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Sixty-nine college professors, all seven surviving First Ladies, 57 surviving mistresses and 2,397 prostitutes were interviewed for this study (and that was just for Bill Clinton!).
Fifth Worst- Calvin Coolidge- "Celibate Cal"
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By all accounts, Calvin Coolidge was a lousy lay. Described as lovingly reserved by his own wife, "Celibate Cal" made up for his lack of skill in the bedroom with his sophisticated wit. Once, at a White House gathering, Dorothy Parker bet she could make the president say more than three words at dinner. The always taciturn Coolidge replied, "You win, you ugly, big-nosed bitch."
Immortalized by having the infamous, erotic technique the Silent Coolidge named after him -- you know, it's the one where the guy gets the woman in bed, puts her left leg behind his right ear, her right leg behind her left ear and then passes out from too much bathtub gin.
Fourth Worst - Richard Nixon - "Tricky Dick"
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Richard Nixon did not get the nickname "Tricky Dick" because he was a dirty, lying, sleazy scumbag of a petty crook that would sell his own Quaker mother into white slavery for a chance to chair the Senate Ways and Means Committee. Oh wait, yes he did.
The only trick this Dick pulled in the bedroom was paying a Secret Service agent known only as "The Carpet Muncher" to service his grateful wife, Pat.
Third Worst- Rutherford B. Hayes - "Rush Right Thru Hayes"
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A former Union general, Rutherford B. Hayes was a man of quick, decisive action with an extremely long recovery time.
Hayes was the first President to have a telephone installed in the White House. Shortly thereafter, he became the first president addicted to phone sex. Unfortunately, the only 900 number available in 1879 was Alexander Graham Bell talking dirty in a less-than-convincing girlie voice.
On his death bed, President Hayes had the following read to his wife by his personal secretary, M. Donald Grant, "In avoiding the appearance of evil, I am not sure but I have sometimes unnecessarily deprived myself and others of innocent enjoyments."
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Second Worst - George W. Bush - "I'm very, very Imp-otent"
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The current president, George W. Bush, was a major league player during his college and draft dodging days. However, his wife Laura conceds that she hasn't even seen little Georgie in many years. Bush has been impotent since 1986 when he gave up drinking hard liquor, snorting cocaine and eating sterno.
The Worst- Warren G. Harding- "Warren G. Hardly Ever "
As a president, Warren G. Harding sucked and not in a good way like a two bit whore. He is generally acknowledged as the worst president ever, in bed, in the oval office, everywhere.
The Teapot Dome Scandal is often used to illustrate his failings. In 1922, a drunk Harding was found by the press in a small cabin in Wyoming with Clara Bow, two underaged mexican girls and a mule -- playing poker. The mule was winning big.
William Howard Taft - "The Cinncinati Shaft "
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| Taft was the last president to keep a cow at the White House. Laura Bush, while she has been sighted grazing on the east lawn, does not qualify. |
Weighing in at over 340 pounds, William Howard Taft was blessed with the largest presidential penis. Affectionately nicknamed the Cincinnati Shaft, the penis was one of the most beloved presidential appendages. It is housed in the same glass case at the Smithsonian as George Washington's wooden teeth, LBJ's gall bladder and George W. Bush's libido.
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| During the campaign of 1912, Taft was incredibly popular with the ladies. Unfortunately, they couldn't vote. |
SPECIAL INSERT - Gayiest Presidents Ever
(and we're not talking gay as in 1890's happy)
Abraham Lincoln shared his bed with another man on many occasions -- it was a common practice for travelers when they couldn't hook up with a woman. While on the campaign trail, a young man named Gary Bedell suggested that Lincoln grow a beard because he thought it would tickle real nice. The president took this advice and began calling his new beard "My Old Ball Duster." However, Lincoln always maintained that he only used his beard to polish his bowling ball.
James Buchanan, the only bachelor president, shared a bed with a man for 16 years -- not an uncommon practice for pennyless wanderers of the time. Buchanan often described his live-in companion, William Rufus King, as his better half --again, not unusual among the socially elite of 19th century America. The president would also squeal with delight whenever his "Miss Nancy" entered a room and once was so put off when he caught his "Aunt Fancy" flirting with a young page that he sprang from his divan, spilling his Cosmo all over his pantywaists and his signed copy of the Dred Scott Decision. Okay, I give up, the the guy was pretty gay.
George W. Bush gay? Many historians have come to this conclusion. While it's true that President Bush spent over 15 years sticking his penis into every available orifice regardless of gender, he was always so high that he never really knew what he was doing. Drug addict? yes. Gay? Cowboys can't be gay. It's against the cowboy code.
Did you ever wonder how a blueblood, born in New Haven, Connecticut, graduate (barely) of Phillips Academy of Andover, Massachusetts, Yale and Harvard, born to one of the richest families to ever come over in the Mayflower became obsessed with being a cowboy?
A recent Freedom of Information Act request has revealed the the President spent 3 years in the early eighties touring the country as a member of The Macho Men-- not the Village People, but an incredible simultation and the next best thing.
