Playboy's 50th Anniversary

Playboy Magazine is celebrating it's 50th anniversary in 2003. Every magazine, newspaper and entertainment TV show is going on, and on, and on, about the socioeconomic implications and Playboy's influence on fashion and modern morality. Enough. Playboy is about one thing. Jerking off. Playboy centerfolds will be remembered as the important mastabatory bridge between the Sears Catalog and the Internet. So Playboy, thanks for the mammaries! -- hey, where's the rimshot?

I wasn't around in the 50's but I used to watch Happy Days when I was a kid so I feel I'm a bit of an expert. Married couples slept in separate beds, teenagers wore goofy sweaters, and nobody ever got any - not even the cool guy with the leather jacket and the thumb. Then a guy in his pajamas from Chicago realized that what the world really needed were big, shiny pictures of naked breasts and a jar of Vaseline. Playboy was born.

October 1954 - Looks like she might have been the neighbor's daughter in Father Knows Best, and if Father knows best he'll have her over his knee for being so naughty. There is a certain lost innocence in this picture. I don't know if its the hair, the torpedo-like nipple, or the cardboard box covered in a sheet that she's sitting on. Don't look for too long or you'll realize the model is either dead or 75.

November 1956 - "How about a light, Mister?" "How about some head, Sister?" This girl knows that cigarettes curb your appetite - lookit those ribs showing. I'm not a huge fan of the Wamsutta sari 'round her waist though, I'd rather see what's she's packin' downstairs.

April 1959 - The first Playboy pictorial featuring a man and woman together. Stan Laurel might not have been the sexiest choice, but what a fine mess he's gotten into! And afterwards, a spot of tea... and A.

During the 1960's, I discovered my penis, but mainly used it for passing urine. While most men had to yank it to Marilyn on the Munsters with some well-timed strokes to avoid giving Grandpa a facial, the readers of Playboy were given a steady-stream of de-flower-ed children.

March 1963 - Mrs. Brady hair, tanlines and a stuffed parrot ... it was every man's fantasy escape from the tension at the office and a wife hooked on over-the-counter uppers.

August 1965 - Gidget goes wild! More tanlines and the beginning of the leg-spread. How do we know she isn't lowering herself on a scale-model of the Gemini spacecraft so John Glenn can really go around the world? We don't!

April 1967 - Playboy puts a flower in its hair and gets groovy in argyle. Also the first pictorial of a macrocephalic.

October 1969 - Wow, look - its That Girl!. Let me look a little closer... I'm wrong, Playboy breaks the color barrier! 22 years after Jackie Robinson, Playboy decides is safe to masturbate to a woman of color. Don't quote me on this because, to be honest, it's a little hard to determine ethnicity. Baby, when I say you're bad, that's good.

The Renaissance of masturbation for me, when I discovered myself and the sweet release of glossy pictures, a spot of Jergen's and a little privacy. I knew then I'd never stop, never be lonely, and never get any of these women. I was right on all three counts, but never did figure out how to unstick pages. No bigger turn off than wrinkly paper with the matte-white underlayer exposed...

September 1971 - Crystal Smith. The first centerfold I ever fell in love with (although many were 'loved' before and since). My Dad had this magazine hidden in his stash for years. I fired off many a roman candle to Crystal. When Mom finally cleaned out under the bathroom sink me, my Dad, and Mr. Clean held a wake.

November 1977 - The 70's in full swing - big hair, big tits and a vacant look. This marked the first photo of a Playmate with a severed head, but not the last. Old Hef keeps us guessing!

February 1978 - Farrah's hair on a shiny-skin exterior. This is one sweet ride, maybe even sweeter than my z28. I disco'ed my duck till it puked all over the staples!

January 1979 - Candy Loving. According to her Playmate questionaire, that was her real name. "Dr. Loving! Dr. Candy Loving to Emergency!" My Dad actually bought me this magazine for my birthday. As he handed it to me - with a small grin, an unspoken truth passed between us. It went something like, I know you've been using my stash to jack off, Crystal is starting to get worn and dog-eared. She's mine, nudnik, now go jack it somewhere else.

The 80's marked my transition from child to child-like. Now I could buy Playboy at my leisure but had to lie about wanting to and hide away while cranking it. A blur of drugs, free-sex and greed for most people, this decade went by as all the others in my life - one long love-fest between me and my right hand.

June 1981 - She looks smarter than the average playmate but I can't figure out why - too bad she's wearing Dustin Hoffman's glasses. And is that Mr. Kotter hiding between her legs?

November 1984 - Nice headband. All that working out seems to have swollen her breasts. I wish she'd yank my chain.

June 1986 - Looks like she just crawled out from under Motley Crue. She wore workout gloves to avoid callouses and so did I.

The 90's came in with a rush of print pornography and left with fully digital, high-bandwidth cyber-cranking. For me, my right hand never stopped stroking while my left adjusted from turning pages to working a mouse. Playboy was with me even more intensely, since I was married.

October 1991 - A real 90's woman. Confident, unpretentious, and not afraid to show off her athleticism - oh, and her great ass!

May 1992 - Look! It's Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. Pity the fool that marries this one without getting a look at that bloated blimp of a mother-in-law. Then again, that tub-o-lard is gonna drop any day from an embolism, so you'll be rich. Ain't justice sweet?

March 1995 - Sometime in the mid-1990's natural selection seemed to favor breasts that you could park a station wagon between. Also, pubic hair started to become less-thick. Where did all that hair go? Oh right, my back!

2000's

The 21st Century is full of unknowns - frightening world events and technological breakthroughs. But who gives a rat's ass if you've got gorgeous naked babes to look at while rubbing a few out. Nothing get's your mind off global warming and terrorism like planting one on the surface of some babe that wasn't born when your first cum-callous formed.

June 2001 - I'd kiss her between the strikes, and then I'd let her suck my dick! Notice the incredibly innocent and unknowing beauty of the face and hair, coupled with a well-trimmed beaver for easy access. This millenium rocks.

May 2002 - It's 2002 and Playboy Enterprises hasn't heard of sexual harrassment? Miss Fitzpatrick, how many times have I told you! I like yellow sticky pads! Now come over here and assume the position.

April 2003 - Doesn't she look just like the girls that used to play lacrosse back in High School? If you think she's hot, you should see the Kent State cheerleaders! I'm signing up for the SATs. Then again, maybe I'll just pay extra for the school-girl outfit down at the massage parlor.

The Future

What does the future hold for Playboy and me? I had planned on a well-honed paragraph on the nature of evolving social mores, the latest advances in virtuality from the MIT Media Lab and the growing disparity between the haves and have-nots in jerk-off technology. But posting these pictures has raised issues, and my shorts, and its time to retire with half a century's worth of targets for my editorial cannon.

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Virtual Playboy Sploogenator: celebrate Playboy's 50th with a little cyber-cranking.
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