You find yourself at the hotel bar. You're on your third bourbon, the game's on the TV and you're replaying the earlier dinner meeting in your head. You're really just killing two hours before heading up to your room to watch some softcore porn with an airline-sized bottle of complimentary hand lotion as your only companion.

A sound brings you back to the bar and you look to your left...

Don't panic. Just remember Uncle Melon's 5 easy steps for picking up a really hot babe.

There is only one opening line that is worth remembering, or you can write it on your hand. It's worked for hundreds of years. It's cliched, and dusty, and stupid, and highly effective. You just say: "Hi, haven't I seen you at the...
 • Jaguar dealership?
 • gym? (Ha, ha, ha, it has to be a little realistic. You don't want her to think that you clean the toilets at the gym.)
 • hospital where I'm Chief of Special Surgery?
The "where" part is up to you and changes based on your intended victim, uh, potential companion. Just don't say "strip club" or "porn shop" or "family reunion."

If she smiles at you like this, try to remain calm and proceed to Step 2.

If you see this, realize that women drink with a straw for only one reason. They know it drives us crazy. Think about it. Have you ever used a straw to drink booze. You have? Then get the hell off my site. If she puts her straw to her lips, proceed to Step 2.

Tough call. Is she indicating that your amusing opening has turned her on so much that she wants to forgo any additional conversation or foreplay and get right to it? Or is she telling you to fuck off. She's so hot lets ignore the obvious conclusion and go with optimism. Proceed to Step 2.

Slide on over and ask her if she needs another drink. Clichéd, but the drunker she is, the more likely it is she'll overlook your painful short-comings and getting this babe unconscious is a worthwhile goal. Start talking and don't stop for at least 3 minutes. Observe her reaction.

She's still smiling! I think she really likes you! Or maybe her hit of Ecstasy just kicked in. Either way, proceed with haste to Step 3.

Hmmm, you're either boring her senseless (not necessarily a bad thing -- senseless is just a few inches from unconscious) or she's trying to figure out if she can fit you in, between American Idol and the 10:00 News. Proceed to Step 3.

If she reacts like this don't give up hope, it could be a little indigestion, or perhaps an odor from the restrooms, or you could be the biggest loser that has ever bought her a drink. I'm a betting man that always loses so go with indigestion. Proceed to Step 3.

No matter how much vodka and cranberry she may have spilled on her hand, this is a sure sign she likes you. If you haven't already soiled your jockeys (mine are all gooey just from the photo), proceed to Step 3.

...and I don't mean ask her to marry you. Although this woman is so fine, I'm already trying to figure out how many carats I can get with 3 month's salary. Ask her the question, you know, nudge, nudge, say no more. Ask her if she wants to...
 • hide the salami
 • make the beast with two backs, one really hairy and one just fine
 • be ridden hard and put away wet
 • get busy (in a vain attempt to seem "hip" you may also offer her some "bling-bling")
 • bump uglies until dawn (she'll figure you're the ugly one and understand the bumping part).
Don't really use any of these. They were supposed to be funny. Simply, ask her if she'd like to finish her drink while watching the stars from the terrace in your room.

This is not good. You haven't lost all control, whipped it out and wiggled it at her, have you? Punch out Maverick! Hang your head in shame, take another long, pathetic stare at her body, and proceed to Step 5.

Put it away! We're trying to pick up a woman not another restraining order. Make a mental note to call your lawyer and proceed to Step 5.

Three minutes of conversation and you put her to sleep. Way to go, Valentino. Sleep is not as useful as unconsciousness. Stare for awhile, give her a sniff, touch her arm lightly to confirm how soft her skin is and then proceed to Step 5.

Is she dialing 911 or canceling dinner with her fiance? Who are you kidding? Run, don't proceed, to Step 5.

Take hold of her hand gently, walk slowly to the elevator and get your lucky ass to Step 4!

Wait a minute. Did you really get to Step 4? No way. Way? You're on your own buddy. Never got here and never will. What was the name of that hotel because I'm booking me a room!