My Paris Hilton Sex Tape
Yeah, I put the moves on Paris Hilton... and her sister. It happened last summer in Atlantic City. They weren't particularly hard to pick up and they were even easier to bed. The
So how does a loser like Bob Melonosky get to bang two ultra-rich socialites? Listen my brothers and you shall hear, of my midnight ride on the Hilton rear. I'd just won a little scratch at Caesars and was heading out the door when I noticed two hot chicks waiting near the curb. I'm pretty educated (I read the New York Post) so I recognized them as the Hilton Sisters, Paris and her sister, what's her name? Boise, Baltimore, Barcelona? I was blitzed and bored so I struck up a conversation. You never know. Famous hot chicks are people too. Turns out they were waiting for their limo and were heading back to the city for a party. After some negotiating, they changed their plans and we all headed to my room at the Holiday Inn. These girls were looking for a party and I was gonna be the cocktails, main course and the dance floor.
Now, you have to understand that celebrities don't always look exactly like they do on Entertainment Tonight. Without the hours of makeup and expensive clothes, they sometimes are hard to recognize. That's their plan, they don't want to be hassled by creeps like you and me. I once recognized David Brenner at a Farmer's Market in Union Square even with his sunglasses on so I'm pretty good at finding them out. I've got the restraining order to prove it.
Before we get to the tape, I'm going to lay out the story board with "stills" from the shoot. Here's how everyone looked that warm, summer night and a guide to the "characters," so you don't get confused when I describe the action:
On the way I stopped off for some vodka, Cosmopolitan mix and paper cups. In the limo we talked about our lives. Its funny how much in common two heiresses and a shipping clerk have after a doobie and a couple of Cosmos.
When we got to my room, I put on the TV and picked out a movie to get us in the mood. I think it was called "Masturbating Commander." Not much of a plot but the acting was first rate.
I kept their Dixie cups filled and set up the camera. That's when I realized that the only cassette I had contained a copy of the championship game from my over-30 hockey league. I had scored a goal and took out a guy with a vicious slash but these were the Hilton sisters so for the good of all mankind I put the tape in the camera. I didn't know then that my stupid buddy had popped the tab on the cassette so I wouldn't accidentally tape over it.
The girls said time was wasting and told me to go into the bathroom and give my genitals a good scrubbing. That seemed weird but what the hell.
When I got out of the bathroom, Paris Hilton was wearing only her underwear and her sister was buck naked.
Then they both got naked. I was harder than the SATs and twice as long. That's when I noticed that Paris kept calling her sister Ramona and that her sister kept referring to Paris as Becky. I figured they were nicknames and asked them to use their real names for the video.
No moneyshot, no video. I was screwed. I had to think, which is not usually my best thing. And then I had a brainstorm worthy of the great men I admire. Men like Goldstein, Flynt and the guy at the Dairy Association that came up with the Got Milk? campaign. I thought of the little bottle of complimentary conditioner sitting on the sink next to the lotion I had used up the night before. A plan started to "cum" together.
So, that's all I remember. I woke up the next morning and the Hilton sisters were gone. Before they left, they had duct taped my wrists and ankles and stolen my wallet. It took 20 minutes to gnaw through the tape. The wallet's not a big deal. There was hardly any cash left in it what with all the extras I kept paying for. The credit cards I just canceled. I can understand that they may have needed the money for a cab but what do multi-millionaire heiresses need another Visa card for? Cheap thrills I guess.
That's when I discovered that the video camera never recorded. Damn, what a hangover.
My Paris Hilton Secret Sex Tape
Coming Soon! Our mailroom guy Pete the Perv in I Cleaned Paris Hilton's Jail Cell.