John Bolton's United Nations ABCs

A is for Abu Ghraib. Hey kids, aren't you sick of the liberal media making such a big deal about this minor pothole on the road to peace?

Torture? You should have seen what I used to do to my secretary back in the day. And my first wife? You know, the cunt that ran away with all my leatherette furniture? Everytime that skiny-assed femi-nazi saw a car battery and a pair of electrodes she would cry like a baby.

Humiliation? I used to have to pay extra for humiliation with a happy ending. And there is no happier ending than the shining light of democracy.

Arabs aren't like you and me. They like to hold hands with other men! It's because their whacko religion won't let them touch women. They also kiss other men on the lips! President Bush is gargling five times a day and he still can't get the foul odor of garlic and hummus off of his breath.

If your willing to suck face with another hairy camel jockey, what's a little "simulated" fellatio among friends? Back in the pile at Plato's, I'd stick my schlong in any available orifice and I didn't get no complaints.

Favorite Quote on the Subject: Torture in the pursuit of democracy is legally defined as a misunderstanding. Gonzales 2004.

B is for Bahrain. Now these are my kind of Arabs. None of these gentlemen are going to be blowing themselves up just to bang a bunch of virgins. They know they just have to give me a heads-up two days before they get into town. I call a few of my old contacts and we spend a weekend "holed" up at the Washington Hilton. It's hymen busting time! God bless America and Bahrain!

Favorite Quote on the Subject: What's the difference between a raghead and a towelhead? Oh, about 500,000,000,000,000 petrol dollars. Cheney 1998.

Three hundred thousand innocent people dead!?! Let me get on the phone to Rumsfeld. Wait... three hundred Africans? Killed by other Africans? Let me get Party City on the phone -- I'm buying the balloons and the goodie bags.

Genocide is such an ugly word. This incident has occured without the knowledge of our boys in Khartoum who have been such an important asset in our War on Terror. Blaming the Sudanese government for these murders is akin to blaming the Bush Administration for the tortures and murders in our military prisons. Please. Even a woman that prefers to wear pants knows it's just a couple of bad eggs.

This administration doesn't play the "Blame Game." But remember, there wouldn't be a need for the World Court if Bubba had actually done something while he was president. Getting head from an intern while millions die in Rwanda. That reminds me, could you send in my intern on your way out, the one with the bruises and the dazed look in her eyes. I'll go over these numbers and call you first thing in the morning.

Favorite Quote on the Subject: The Boers are a bore. Churchill 1900.

E is for England. Our greatest ally in the War on Terror. How bloody important are those British Tommies over there in the Middle East? Just imagine us fighting World War II without the Brazilians on our side. What's that Pelé? Over a 11,000 Brazilian soldiers died in WWII? Hmmm, anyway, they do make great target practice for our Tomahawk missiles and sadly they really are our greatest ally.

The french invented the blowjob but it must have been the english that invented rimming. You haven't been rimmed until you've had a pasty-faced Brit attach his toothless mouth to your balloon knot. They'll start munching away like they haven't eaten in a week. The only thing better is when their pasty-faced Prime Minister starts licking your ass. When Tony Blair browns his nose, he straps on a snorkel and dives in head first. Then he takes the blame when we fuck up in Iraq. What a pussy!

Favorite Quote on the Subject: Remember the good old days when everyone kissed our ass? Chamberlain 1939.

F is for France. Where do I begin.. to tell the story about how great a hate can be? The first thing I'm going to do when I get permanently assigned to the U.N. is rip the bidets out of the Security Council's bathroom and throw them out the window into the East River. Those frenchies can wipe there holier-than-thou asses with good old fashioned American Charmin or they could give Tony Blair a call.

Favorite Quote on the Subject: Screw these quotes. Do you really think that a snot nosed kid can appreciate them? Look Buckley, I had to fire the latest excuse for an assistant and I just don't have the time -- make up your own. Bolton 2006.

G is for Gabon, Gambia, Ghana, Guinea, and Guinea-Bissau. Talk about your darkest Africa! These are old school Africans. Thankfully, for the most part, they're still worshipping Tarzan instead of that Muhammad fellow.

Trinkets. I know I've said that I don't do carrots but just like in the old days, a couple of handfuls of something shiny and a metaphysical gun to the head works wonders on these black devils.

H is for Hitler. I'm sure we all agree that Adolph Hitler had many valuable political and economic ideas. Just don't let the liberal, fudge-packing, East Coast media misquote you on it. However, our current administration has taken Hitler's greatest creation, the ability to use the focused hatred of a people to motivate and bring together an entire country, and actually improved upon it. Sure we've all always hated Jews, homos, commies, feminists, the hollywood elite and the Washington Post. But it took an exceptional man to rally the red states against these horrors for nothing more than personal honor and profits for his friends and business associates.

Yes, Hitler went a little too far. You have to know when to ease up on the whip and sprinkle your lover with soft, gentle kisses before really letting her have it -- with your fists and the heels of your boots. And because Hitler didn't know when to stop, he ruined a really good look. That Hitler moustache was killer. It was beloved by commies like Charlie Chaplin and fat, facist, pedophiles like Rush Limbaugh, I mean Oliver Hardy. My real concern over this riduculous debate about my nomination on Capital Hill is that it will ruin a really good look.

How much hotter will the world be when my moustach is finally emulated globally. There's nothing the ladies like better than really bushy, glow-in-the-dark, white whiskers.

Now when Tony kisses your ass he can simultaneously tickle your butt cheeks. That's good negotiating! It also covers up those gnarly teeth.		You know how when you have a cool, bushy moustache and you eat a delicious bowl of beef consumé for lunch and then when you're at a meeting and you start sucking on your moustache and relive the delicious experience? Enough said.		The unfounded rumors that I grew my stylish, facial hair to hide a big, juicy pair of cock-sucking lips has been perpetuated by the enemies of our great nation. The above photo has obviously been re-touched. I wouldn't be caught dead in public with that unflattering shade of lipstick.

I is for Iraq, Iran, etc. I am so sick of talking about Iraq and Iran. When I'm running the U.N., those countries are off the map. The U.S. will do what we want and the rest of the world can go fuck themselves.

I is for "I Don't Play Well With Others." Yeah, I don't play well with others. Since when is that a prerequisite for a diplomat? Diplomacy is all about getting the marginal countries to bend to our will. And by marginal countries, I mean everyone but US.

Bladder Diplomacy? I don't think so. I have a bladder the size of a walnut and a prostate bigger than Mt. McKinley. What? Did you expect me to say Mt. Everest? I have never, and will never, compare my internal organs to any geographic features that aren't 100% American.

Drinking tea for 8 hours with a bunch of foreign dignitaries in Damascus in exchange for peace in the Middle East? How about a piece of ass teabagging my knee-length scrotum in exchange for eight bucks American?

Looking for more fun? Check out John Bolton's ABCs -- Jamaica to Russia -- in the next issue of National Re-View for Kids!!!