LETTERS BOB FROM ACCOUNTING PAUL KATCHER X-ENTERTAINMENT SKRODAHL APE CHILD FARK I LOVE BACON CFUS MORTYS T WORLD CHICKEN LEGS	Uncle Melon He's so funny he makes the babes horny. He owns the biggest humor site in the world. He just signed a five movie development deal with Dreamworks. And now Uncle Melon is going to rank the top ten babes he banged last year. Mixam, January 2003 Number 12: Faith Hill and Shania Twain Why She's a Babe: Hillbilly women with money, teeth and the IQ of rock salt. Favorite Position: We invented a new position. Its when the blonde is in the cowgirl position and the brunette is reverse cowgirling your face while they're tongue kissing, its called a stampede! Nickname for her Cootch: The barren place where my husband's seed can find no purchase One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: These are special rubbers that allow you to get pregnant Amusing Anecdote: I got to do both these babes at the same time. They were having similar problems getting pregnant by their husbands and they turned to me for help. I'm not proud of it but in the not too distant past, when I really needed the money, I often impregnated a star for the right price. That's a different list for some future article. If I had to guess I would say that it was probably Celine Dion (woof!) that turned them on to me. They both seem to be trying to fill her camel toe. Their agents called me to set it up but when I saw what these two looked like I waived my usual payments and made sure that it took a couple of sessions to get the job done. They didn't seem to mind. The blonde one was a real screamer. The brunette one just made low groaning sounds. Number 11: Demi Moore Why She's a Babe: The ultimate reason to die hard. Favorite Position: As far from Bruce Willis as possible. Nickname for her Cootch: Striped-tease One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: More, Demi, more! Amusing Anecdote: I'm at the Friar's Club in New York, just hanging when I end up in a card game with Jeffery Ross, Bruce Willis, Alan King and Bill Clinton. The booze is flowing, the money starts piling up and the talk turns to women. They're all talking about some old chick named Demi Moore. I've never heard of her but it seems that they've all had a piece. Lucky at love, lucky at women I guess, because by the end of the night I end up with most of their money and the home phone number of Ms. Demi Moore. Now I don't normally bang a babe that is older than me but all that talk and a rental of Striptease convinced me to give her a call. Number 10: Laurie Dhue Why She's a Babe: As she reads the news the subtext is kinky. Favorite Position: Under the anchor desk. Nickname for her Cootch: The live-feed from Baghdad. One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: This just in, and out, and in, and out, and in. Amusing Anecdote: She was on the bottom at the top of the hour and on top at the bottom of the hour and every other way in-between. Don't let those conservative suits and southern sophistication fool you. While being interviewed for a Fox News magazine show, Laurie kept shooting me the muff, if you know what I mean. She couldn't keep those long, long legs still. Number 9: Winona Ryder Why She's a Babe: Any chick that cute, crazy and drugged is HOT! Favorite Position: Against the wall with legs spread. Nickname for her Cootch: Heather One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: I picked her pocket and she shoplifted my salami and the rest was history. Amusing Anecdote: There's something about banging a crazy chick that just don't get old. Just when you think you've got all her moves down, the medication kicks in or maybe the voices in her head, and you're off to the races. Number 8: Britney Spears Why She's a Babe: Almost as much surgery as Jerry Jones. Favorite Position: A face-full of Mike (that's the name I gave her) Nickname for her Cootch: My teen pop One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: Christina was better, but less wholesome. Amusing Anecdote: I dropped by the filming of a Pepsi ad, she winked, I met her in her trailer, she asked for and got it in the butt. Nuff said. Still a virgin as defined by the Catholic Church. Number 7: Carmen Electra Why She's a Babe: Cracks walnuts with her pelvic muscles. Favorite Position: Hanging from a trapeze with a popsicle in the Number 3 hole and whipped cream on her breasts, the TV remote in her teeth and a Giant Schnauzer chained in front. She referred to it as "Position 351." Nickname for her Cootch: My coiled tesla One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: Orestes my testes - old Sophocles was right! Amusing Anecdote: Yes, I boldly went where no white man in his right mind would go. If you think you've had a hard act to follow, try performing in Dennis Rodman's wake. Carmen's sweet as can be and has the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. But just try finding somewhere on her body to build up a little friction. Loose as a goose. A goose that just got plowed by the farmer and his three sons. I figured I'd give those big magambas a try but they were so hard that I couldn't push them within a foot of each other. Carmen aims to please and made the list with some dirty talk, incredible handwork and a trick with her tongue that was taught to her by Prince. Number 6: Anna Kournikova Why She's a Babe: Hottest chick to ever use a two-handed grip Favorite Position: Deep at the baseline Nickname for her Cootch: My Little Russian Bare One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: "Ohhhh baby, Rimsky my Korsakov and then Putin your sputnik in my Nijinsky!" Amusing Anecdote: Back in April, I was headed downtown in the back of a limo after doing an appearance for MTV and I just happen to see Charlie Sheen walking down the street. I tell the driver to pull over, roll down the window and yell, "Hey Charlie, guess who's giving me head!" He gives me a look and I yell "Anna Kournikova!" Anna then peeks up through the window and gives Charlie a wave and cute little smile. Charlie just laughs and says "That's nice, real nice," and then we drove off and left him there. Number 5: Halle Berry Why She's a Babe: Mysterious ethnicity coupled with a helluva body. Favorite Position: Bending over to pick berries. Nickname for her Cootch: 30 acres for your mule One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: Apparently her previous lovers didn't do her "Justice." Amusing Anecdote: Anyone who knows me, knows I like my women like I like my comedy, dark, dirty and with a minimum of big words, unless that word is cunnilingus. I happened to sit next to Halle (for the life of me I can never pronounce it right) at the Hollywood premier of Two Towers. I reached into her popcorn to snag the last few kernels and what do you know? The girl had pulled the old hole at the bottom of the popcorn trick. Let me tell you, that the treat at the bottom of that box was slathered in butter. I had to roll up my sleeves to avoid staining the threads. Next thing I know she's nodding on my hobbit. She finishes up with a reverse hide-the-Oscar while waving to Billy Bob Thornton in the front row. She was back in her seat before the credits started to roll. Number 4: Liv Tyler Why She's a Babe: Just because the franchise is hot, really. Favorite Position: Number one in the box-office. Nickname for her Cootch: No-Hair-o-Smith One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: She's uncommonly good because she puts a little Elfin magic into every bite Amusing Anecdote: Turns out that Steven Tyler from Aerosmith is writing a similar article for FHM and our lists are almost the same. So in an attempt to be less duplicative, I'm including Liv because it seems that Steve didn't bang his daughter, at least not in 2002. Number 3: Princess Madeleine of Sweden Why She's a Babe: Hottest chick ever to hide a tiara. Favorite Position: Using your face as her royal throne. Nickname for her Cootch: Her crown jewels. One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: Kiss the frog and he'll spew, Princess! Amusing Anecdote: If you've ever wondered why Nobel Prize acceptance speaches are less coherent than the Latin Grammys, wonder no more. You try talking with Princess Madeline smiling at you from the front row. Talk about your Nobel Piece of Ass Awards! Number 2: Charlize Theron Why She's a Babe: Any chick that can be sexy next to a big dumb ape is sexy beyond measure - and she's pulled it off twice, in Mighty Joe Young and Bagger Vance! Favorite Position: Anything upside down, to remind her of her South African heritage. Nickname for her Cootch: The Boer Whore One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: Cider House Rule Number 9: To hell with apples, I'm plucking me a peach. Amusing Anecdote: She had my people set up a meeting. I was nervous because I didn't know how to pronounce her first or last name, but when we met she just said to call her "slut." Little Miss Pretoria opened up more opportunities than the lifting of Apartheid. I spent hours savoring her hairless Johannesburger. Then in the morning she was gone, the apartment had been cleaned and my breakfast had been made. Except for the name thing she'd be perfect! Number 1: Jenna and Barbara Bush: The First Twins Why they are babes: Young, drunk, sexy! Favorite Position: "Air Fist One" Nickname for her Cootch: Top GOP Official One Liner that Sums Up the Bang: We spent the night recounting ballots, until both their bodies were tired of the polls. Amusing Anecdote: Not my first twins. Don't be stupid. The First Twins of the United States of America. As with most twins that I've banged, it ended up being the quiet, shy sister (i.e.,Barbara) that was the animal in bed. Jenna wasn't bad but she does look a little like her father in drag and she passed out by the fourth go around. The Year in Review Uncle Melon 12. Dion Wannabes 11. Moore, Moore, Moore 10. Do Dhu 9. Ride on Ryder 8. Speared Spears 7. Plugged Electra 6. Cornholed Kournikova 5. Bared Berry 4. Tipped my canoe in Tyler, too 3. Crowned the princess 2. There-in, Theron 1. Bush whacking Yeah, that's twelve. So sue me. Maybe we'll make a calendar. See you losers next year! Same Melon time, same Melon channel.