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Melon-ade Uncle Melon needs your aid in picking punch lines.
Vote for your favorite caption or write your own!
Experience the Entire Melonade Collection!!!
Or skip around and visit only the melonades that interest you!!!
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| Happy Days |
C. Heston |
Rudolph |
Andy Griffith 1 |
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| Andy Griffith 2 |
Mr Holland |
In the News |
NYPD Blew |
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| World Culture |
Maude |
H.R. Puff-n-Stuff |
In the News |
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| Maude |
Gomer Pyle |
Maude |
World Culture |
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| Get Smart |
The Osmonds |
Planet of the Apes |
Kojak |
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| Farrah Fawcett |
Get Smart |
GWTW |
Match Game |
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| Benny Hill |
Laverne & Shirley |
Honeymooners |
Laverne & Shirley |
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| F Troop |
Honeymooners |
TJ Hooker |
Speed Racer |
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| Home Improvement |
Love Boat |
Touched by an Angel |
Hogan's Heroes |
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| Alf |
World Culture |
King of Queens |
Survivor |
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| Survivor |
Drew Carey Show |
Everbody Loves Raymond |
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Happy Days
"OK Joanie, ...
| A) but I still say $30 is too high for a hummer" | 15% |
| B) now I believe you starred in Joanie Does Dallas" | 19% |
| C) explain to me why the Irish don't have navels?" | 61% |
| D) I swear I'll be a famous director one day. I'll put you in my movies if I can just get to 2nd base. Wait, you don't have a second base. [Canned Laughter]" | 5% |
Number of votes = 2,431
Ben Him
Charlton Heston, ...
| A) The Bondage Years | 20% |
| B) Whippin" Alcohol and Drugs | 3% |
| C) Lobbying for NRA President | 12% |
| D) Trying out for Amistad | 1% |
| E) Looking for some Irish | 64% |
Number of votes = 799
Rudolph
Hermie: "Wow, Rudolph you're ..."
| A) nose ain't the only thing that glows in the dark. | 10% |
| B) parents should've taught you to wipe better. | 1% |
| C) IRISH! | 72% |
| D) Yukon Cornelius' BEST friend! | 17% |
Number of votes = 112,769
The Andy Griffith Show
"Pa, what did you mean when you said "...
| A) I'd 'get it' if I told where Floyd's body was buried? | 19% |
| B) we're really "just friends"? | 30% |
| C) Damn those Irish? | 47% |
| D) I wouldn't fuck Thelma Lou with Aunt Bea's dick? | 4% |
Number of votes = 22,702
The Andy Griffith Show 2
"Gee Andy, your hair ..."
| A) Is no where near as soft as Opie's. | 0% |
| B) Is falling out in clumps. | 37% |
| C) Makes me think you might be Irish. | 52% |
| D) Is turning me on. | 11% |
Number of votes = 3,981
Mr. Holland's Opus
Mr. Holland: "Gee Mary, ..."
| A) Now with this instrument you actually do blow. | 12% |
| B) It looks like you've wrapped your lips around a licorice stick before. | 7% |
| C) I'm sorry but I only date underage girls that look Irish. | 73% |
| D) Remember I payed extra for the uniform and you have to call me Mr. Dreyfus. | 8% |
Number of votes = 323,228
In the News
Colin Powell, ..."
| A) Posing for Afro-hair G.I. Joe action figure. | 4% |
| B) After stealing Uncle Melon's Glasses. | 3% |
| C) Planning to invade the Irish. | 93% |
| D) Passing wind while Schwartzkoff gets the credit. | 0% |
Number of votes = 115,009
NYPD Blew
"Holy Crap! I'd have worn more body armor
if I'd known you were ..."
| A) a geeky high school kid from some hick town | 1% |
| B) Another Cop | 20% |
| C) Irish | 63% |
| D) Charlton Heston | 13% |
Number of votes = 83,463
World Culture
"And now, ..."
| A) you get dancers with your Slurpee, thankyouverymuch." | 20% |
| B) would you be liking to have a dance of lap with you?" | 9% |
| C) that you have seen me river dance you will never believe that I am Irish." | 51% |
| D) I've lost my ID Card…thank Vishnu my dot is still in place." | 11% |
Number of votes = 1,563
Maude
Seconds later ...
| A) Bill Macy was dead. | 30% |
| B) Bill Macy demanded hazard pay. | 25% |
| C) Bill Macy was banned from the St. Patrick's Day parade. | 42% |
| D) Bill Macy went Gay and never came back. | 3% |
Number of votes = 221,679
H.R. Puff-N-Stuff
"Who's your friend when things get rough?"
| A) really bad acid, apparently." | 11% |
| B) not Jim Henson, that fucker wouldn't even throw me a guest shot singing the God damn ABCs!" | 1% |
| C) the Irish." | 87% |
| D) Not Sid and Marty, the bastards left me high and dry with no residuals." | 1% |
Number of votes = 43,551
In the News
Colin Powell:
| A)"Put your fingers in your ears and say tinga-linga-loo" | 15% |
| B) "Simon didn't say put your fingers in your ear! You lose, General!" | 15% |
| C)"Even with my fingers in my ears I can still smell the potatos on her breath!" | 61% |
| D) "Frickin' foreign glasses. They only hold a teaspoon of water, I'm dying of thirst!" | 9% |
Number of votes = 202
Maude 2
Maude:
| A) "I'm sorry Esther, no blacks on the Golden Girls." | 5% |
| B) "Then I put the spoon in my vagina, that way I never have to touch Walter's penis." | 1% |
| C) "Florida, you'll never pass for Irish with that rag on your head." | 92% |
| D) "So then the kid says "Dyno-mite" and comes on my face!!!" [Canned laughter] | 0% |
| E) "That's right, a spoonful of sugar does help Walter's cum go down, try it." | 2% |
Number of votes = 7,926
Gomer Pyle, USMC
"Pyle! ..."
| A) "I told you it would feel good if we rubbed our dicks together." | 4% |
| B) "Your days of finger banging old Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over!" | 14% |
| C) "Your nostril hair makes me think you might be Irish." | 79% |
| D) "Semper fi my ass! And I mean that!" | 3% |
Number of votes = 17,332
Maude 3
Maude: "Walter, ..."
| A) "I wouldn't fuck your friend with YOUR vagina!" | 1% |
| B) "this guy wants to buy those two kids we keep in the basement." | 2% |
| C) "do you really think this Irish guy is up for a threesome?" | 67% |
| D) "what he talkin' 'bout Mr. D?" | 30% |
Number of votes = 994,230
World Culture
"Hmmmm ... Maybe ..."
| A) "I should hide this foot fetish of mine." | 1% |
| B) "I should have the Cardinal's wash more often." | 1% |
| C) "This guy IS Irish." | 97% |
| D) "I can't heal athlete's foot." | 1% |
Number of votes = 23,991
Get Smart
Maxwell Smart:
| A) "99, you've got the second flattest chest I've ever seen!" | 1% |
| B) "That's the second ugliest bitch I ever slept with!" | 24% |
| C) "Damn! I was sure it was an Irish setter!" | 49% |
| D) "So, Chief, whaddaya say we drop the cone of silence and both do her?" | 25% |
Number of votes = 175,023
The Osmonds
The Osmonds:
| A) "After years of selective breeding, the Mormons create humans that can use their teeth to break off chunks of coral " | 10% |
| B) "Brother and sister, lovers, or both? Duh, they're Mormons!" | 2% |
| C) "Hey, whatever happened to making fun of the Irish? " | 88% |
| D) "She's a little bit country, he's just gay." | 0% |
Number of votes = 279
Planet of the Apes
Taylor:
| A) "Get your hands off my guns, you damn dirty Democrats." | 10% |
| B) "Goodbye Nova, once you've tasted the forbidden fruit of
red monkey ass you can never go back" | 20% |
| C) "In the alternate ending, Zaius, Taylor and Nova sail to an island, interbreed, and the new republic of Ireland is founded." | 60% |
| D) "Hey Doc, who's tits are bigger, mine or Nova's" | 10% |
Number of votes = 1,306
Kojak
Kojak:
| A) "teaching Phoebe Cates how to pleasure a man." | 10% |
| B) "racing the Owl to the tootsie-pop center." | 5% |
| C) "waiting for the call to be Grand Marshall at the St. Patrick's Day Parade." | 75% |
| D) "one hand on his dum-dum, the other on his lollipop." | 5% |
| E) "imagining Crocker wearin' nothing but his gun belt." | 5% |
Number of votes = 201,557
Farrah Fawcett Majors
Farrah:
| A) "Approaching 60 MPH and not a hair out of place! Clairol." | 10% |
| B) "Old School Nikes! Michael Jordan must be spinning in his owner's box." | 5% |
| C) "Whoa and ba-gorah - what a lassie!" | 75% |
| D) "Years of wearing tight designer jeans would cause Farrah to become a big pain-in-the-ass-bitch." | 5% |
Number of votes = 22,231
Get Smart
Agent 46 (or is it 13?)
| A) "Hey 86! 86 the load you're about to drop!" | 13% |
| B) "Is it just me, or is this the second narrowest opening to a crapper I've ever seen?" | 25% |
| C) "Get me the hell out of here, a bus of Irish tourists just pulled up at the diner!" | 61% |
| D) "Now do I get the promotion, Chief?" | 1% |
Number of votes = 773,081
Gone with the Wind
"Miss Scarletts Ma'am...
| A) "I'll squeeze ya real tight and Mr. Rhett's bastard baby'll be gone like dat wind." | 19% |
| B) "I sures do thinks you'd look right smart with a rag on your head too." | 15% |
| C) "Whats you mean I's black Irish?" | 51% |
| D) "Prissy may know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies, but Mr. Rhett says she's sure good at tryin' to make 'em." | 15% |
Number of votes = 48,734
Match Game
Gene:
| A) "It's cute that you answered with a poem... Nipsey was it? We might be able to use that." | 0% |
| B) "So the sentence is... I use this microphone off-the-set to tickle Brett on the blank." | 0% |
| C) "I'm sorry, blacks get red circles, the Irish get green triangles." | 100% |
| D) "So your answer is "Kill Whitey"? I'm not even sure Richard'll match that." | 0% |
Number of votes = 345,678
Benny Hill
Frasier's Jane Leeves interviewed by Benny Hill:
| A) "So I do this to play the nurse? How do I get a starring role?" (moments later Benny Hill was dead) | 3% |
| B) "Now, how would I look running through the woods with a bear behind?" | 11% |
| C) "I call the left Scotland and the right one Ireland... but you're probably more interested in Australia." | 73% |
| D) "Mr. Hill, you just put your finger in my rear and go tinga-linga-loo!" | 13% |
Number of votes = 1,545,771
Laverne and Shirley
| A) "One day you'll be even scarier than dinosaurs. Trust me, I know. | 10% |
| B) "Laverne lubes up the butt plug with her own saliva as Jeff Goldblum looks on" | 2% |
| C) "DeFazio? Is your family from County Cork?" | 61% |
| D) "You think my tie is long? You should see the coarse hairs on my back. Can I lick that thing when you're done?" | 27% |
Number of votes = 2,392
The Honeymooners
Ralph:
| A) "Come'on Norton, put a little tongue in it this time." | 19% |
| B) "So Alice, ya finally went for a guy who could see his schlong without usin' a mirror." | 5% |
| C) "Fer crying out loud Alice, our window doesn't have any curtains, you'll have every Mick in the neighborhood yanking on their spud." | 51% |
| D) "Come'on Norton, Alice doesn't have all day. Charlie Manicotti will be over in 15 minutes for his weekly hummer, and he's a PAYING customer!" | 25% |
Number of votes = 19,222
Laverne and Shirley
| A) "Penny Marshall's first and last taste of the white stuff." | 9% |
| B) "Long-time "roommates" end up "sharing" a yeast infection." | 15% |
| C) "Nothing like the foam off a real Irish Guinness!" | 51% |
| D) "The girls show off their milk moustaches; their Pepsi moustaches are over another set of lips." | 25% |
Number of votes = 119,222
F Troop
| A) "We didn't know the last two shipments of blankets had smallpox, honestly Chief." | 0% |
| B) "Forrest has two feet between his legs not two inches." | 12% |
| C) "So, these two Irish guys go into a pub..." | 58% |
| D) "So, two cases of firewater, two squaws and too much fun!" | 30% |
Number of votes = 5,280
Honeymooners
Norton:
| A) "Oh shit, I tripped and fell into Ralph's navel. There's enough lint in here to make a rug!" | 3% |
| B) "Don't laugh Trixie, I think I found my keys and I'm not falling off this ladder into your uterus again." | 3% |
| C) "This smells worse than a Port-a-John at the St. Patrick's Day parade." | 91% |
| D) "No wonder Ralph's not a daddy, Alice's womb is as dry and barren as Trixies." | 3% |
Number of votes = 1,760
TJ Hooker
| A) Never thought I'd see Leonard Nimoy with a hooker. | 6% |
| B) "My God! Did Vulcan adolescence finally kick in, crater face?" | 6% |
| C) "One lame Irish joke and I'm demoted from Captain to Sargent, can you believe it? PC bastards." | 82% |
| D) "Let's trade rugs and see if anyone notices!" | 6% |
Number of votes = 38,883
Speed Racer
Speed:
| A) "Oh my God, Trixie's on the street again!" | 22% |
| B) "Damn Firestone tires always burst into flames." | 18% |
| C) "Racer X! God damn Irishman!" | 36% |
| D) "Figures MY anime show gets canceled before the hot chicks get drawn. Trixie's as flat as Agent 99!" | 24% |
Number of votes = 251,590
Home Improvement
Jill Taylor:
| A) "Did you try and turbo charge my vibrator again Tim? Cause I LIKE it!" | 0% |
| B) "Tim, tell me again why your "electric screwdriver" is always sticky and smells like fish." | 0% |
| C) "Oh my GOD!! Tim!!! You broke it! You broke it! You stupid pre-ejaculating Irishman! " | 100% |
| D) "I kept my girlish figure by having my kids at the age of 13 and then massaging daily with this." | 0% |
Number of votes = 453
Love Boat
| A) "Next week Lola Falana's gonna play a maid!" | 5% |
| B) "Isaac, is that a swizzle stick in your pocket or are you Rosie's bitch." | 15% |
| C) "The Love Boat sails to Ireland." | 58% |
| D) "Rosie Grier/Rosie O'Donnell - you make the call." | 22% |
Number of votes = 1,473,468
Touched by an Angel
One of these castmembers was touched:
| A) By my fist. | 1% |
| B) In the head. | 2% |
| C) By Father O'Reilly at the spaghetti dinner. | 94% |
| D) By an Uncle. | 3% |
Number of votes = 607
Hogan's Heroes
| A) So, vere's mein cake? | 10% |
| B) You hear nothing? Not even me shittin' mein pants? | 20% |
| C) Schultz, you're uglier than a bride at an Irish wedding! | 40% |
| D) Ya volt Herr Commandant…or should I say Liebshnitz? | 30% |
Number of votes = 2,398
Alf
Alf...
| A) Partying with co-star Max Wright just before the cops bust in. | 11% |
| B) Celebrating after finally basting Miss Piggy. | 2% |
| C) On Saint Patrick's Day! | 87% |
| D) Trying to loosen up Kate for another "nose job." | 0% |
Number of votes = 553
World Culture
His Holiness Pope John Paul II:
| A) "Ha, ha, your hat is even funnier than mine." | 30% |
| B) "Look at all the schwarzes!" | 2% |
| C) "This isn't Ireland, is it?" | 66% |
| D) "Please open your eyes so I can tell where one of your faces ends and the other begins." | 2% |
Number of votes = 2,344,808
King of Queens
Leah Remini:
| A) "I'm only getting paid $20,000 an episode to have this fat bastard rubbin' all over me!" | 5% |
| B) "Whatta ya mean you ain't the guy from the Sopranos? Stop listening to me purr!!" | 10% |
| C) "It says here that I'm Irish! Who knew?" | 15% |
| D) "Drew Carey beat you out again for 'Most Likely Comic To Drop Like John Candy'?!?! Hon, let me get you a cannoli" | 70% |
Number of votes = 349
Survivor: Marquesas
"Hey Zoe...
| A) Ok, so do we go with the lesbian thing in Penthouse or the Girls of Survivor in Playboy?" | 2% |
| B) It's about time to vote off the black guy" | 4% |
| C) Didn't you think Marquesas was closer to Ireland?" | 6% |
| D) For God's sake, take my hat, the ratings are crumbling" | 88% |
Number of votes = 43,777
Survivor: Marquesas
| A) You must run real fast in those shoes | 92% |
| B) Semen is 95% protein? Maybe I will try some, I'm starting to get light-headed | 0% |
| C) Irish? Hell no! I'm Marquesan | 4% |
| D) How come you haven't been voted off yet? | 4% |
Number of votes = 2,291
The Drew Carey Show
Drew:
| A) I just came up with a reason not to die like Farley | 0% |
| B) Beer comes out of your breast and pizza grows on trees - maybe I did just die like Farley | 37% |
| C) Let's face it, if it wasn't for this show I'd just be another loser mick | 52% |
| D) Give it to you? I can't even see it! [canned laughter] | 11% |
Number of votes = 1,934,993
Now, You Vote on this Week's Melonade!!!
Everybody Loves Raymond
Patricia Heaton:
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