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Uncle Melon's Top 10 Challenge
Dave Letterman should have ditched the top 10 list a couple of years ago. Or maybe he should only do it when his writers actually come up with something funny. My wife is always saying that I should write for Letterman so here's the challenge. I'll come up with a funnier top ten list by lunch the next day. You decide.
Current Score*: Uncle Melon 106, Letterman's Writers 4 Tie 1
October 22, 2004
Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame Halloween Party
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
150 people sharing one Twix bar
|
The guy dressed like Christ keeps going on and on about Curt Schilling's ankle
|
| 9 |
"Bobbing for apples" inadvertently becomes "bobbing for fat kid's retainer"
|
Life-like Christopher Reeve shaped chair turns out to be Christopher Reeve
|
| 8 |
Supermarket ran out of pumpkins so jack-o-lantern carved out of a honeydew
|
Wife dresses as hooker and only takes home 3 dollars and a few subway tokens
| 7 |
All the decorations read, "Happy Chanukah"
|
All the decorations read, "Bush/Cheney 04"
|
| 6 |
Your wife's been upstairs with the guy in the Bill O'Reilly costume for a couple of hours
|
Saddam is trick-or-treating for UNICEF again
|
| 5 |
It's B.Y.O.M.: Bring your own monkey
|
All the women dressed as Mary Cheney are munching more chips than rug
|
| 4 |
Well, for starters it's April
|
Well, for starters you were invited
|
| 3 |
Someone says, "Hey, great Mickey Rooney mask!" but you're not wearing a costume
|
Someone says, "Hey, great scary jack-o-lantern!" but he's referring to your wife's cooch
| 2 |
When a guy dressed as grim reaper leaves, you notice your grandparents missing
|
When a guy dressed as a priest leaves, you notice your son's missing
|
| 1 |
It's just you and Martha in an 8-by-10 cell
|
You're in Iraq dressed as a US 'liberator'
|
| |
October 21, 2004
Top Ten Signs It's Autumn In New York
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Twenty percent increase in crimes committed with rakes
|
Homeless now look like piles of leaves
|
| 9 |
Since people are wearing jackets, chalk body outlines a bit bulkier
|
Nuts in Central Park are hoarding squirrels
|
| 8 |
Sanitation department finally picks up last year's Christmas trees
|
Streets smell less uriney
| 7 |
Because of daylight saving time, Conan O'Brien now has 5 years and 1 hour until he replaces Leno
|
Corn-holing at Riker's Island now involves Indian corn
|
| 6 |
Billy Joel has the top up when he crashes his car
|
Mayor Bloomberg is driving his Fall car
|
| 5 |
People are flocking to the Hello Deli to watch the meat loaf change colors
|
People are are flocking to the Ed Sullivan theater to watch Dave's shingles fall
|
| 4 |
Bill O'Reilly is keeping pants on when making phone calls
|
Hookers blow you and your leaves
|
| 3 |
CBS has documents that prove it's spring
|
Tap water replaced with apple cider -- at least that's what it looks like!
| 2 |
The Mets are not playing
|
The Mets and Yankees are not playing
|
| 1 |
Martha Stewart is shivving pumpkins
|
Paul Schaefer is giving out hay rides -- in his pants
|
| |
October 9, 2004
Top Ten Questions Audience Members Were Not Allowed To Ask During Friday Night's Debate
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Who's a better one-term president--you or your father?
|
Why did my son die in Iraq?
|
| 9 |
Is it annoying being married to a woman who always smells like ketchup?
|
Is it worrisome being married to a woman who killed her lover with her car?
|
| 8 |
With oil at $50 a barrel, why aren't we looking into cheaper barrels?
|
With oil at $50 a barrel, who's filthier rich, your family or the House of Saud, and does it matter?
| 7 |
Which best describes your economic policies: "Preposterous lies" or "Absolute crap"?
|
Which best describes the American people: "sissified shitheads" or "pathetic pussies?"
|
| 6 |
Senator Kerry, what impact do you think your large, canoe-shaped head will have on the economy?
|
Senator Kerry, if you win, will you leave your role as Lurch in the Addams Family?
|
| 5 |
What is your favorite episode of "Sanford and Son"?
|
Lindsay Lohan, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears - bang, marry, kill?
|
| 4 |
Do you prefer flipping or flopping?
|
Do you prefer lying to the American people or the rest of the world?
|
| 3 |
Which one of you is Dukakis?
|
Which one of you has the bigger stick up your ass?
| 2 |
Do you think John Edwards would be interested in dating a New Jersey Governer?
|
Do you think Dick Cheney has naked pictures or his lesbian daughter, and if no, would he like to buy some?
|
| 1 |
If either of you win, will you pardon Martha?
|
Which one of you made Ralph Nader park the cars tonight?
|
| |
October 6, 2004
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Dick Cheney's Mind At This Moment
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
What should I do next--the phony chuckle or the unconvincing smile?
|
This guy's so smart I can't believe he's not a kike
|
| 9 |
Hopefully he won't mention--Halibur--oh crap
|
I'd like to stick some weapons of mass destruction up this dweeb's ass
|
| 8 |
W. better be tivoing 'The Gilmore Girls'
|
W. better be ready to polish my knob after this
| 7 |
Where's the girl with my Jack and Coke?
|
Where's the girl with my roasted Iraqi baby?
|
| 6 |
To get the female vote maybe it's time to rip off the shirt and show some abs
|
I have to remember not to scream 'Zieg Heil!'
|
| 5 |
Good God it's true--Edwards is devastatingly handsome
|
Is that the consitution I smell burning or the ashen remains of my soul?
|
| 4 |
How the hell did the Yankees get shut out by the Twins?
|
How the hell did we not have the CIA off this guy?
|
| 3 |
I can snap this man's neck like a twig
|
I'm comforted knowing my Halliburton check arrives tomorrow
| 2 |
That was the cue to bring out Osama! Where the hell is he?
|
If he mentions my bull-dyke daughter, I'll kill him
|
| 1 |
Let's quit the cat and mouse crap and take this out to the parking lot
|
I hope this is indigestion and not another heart attack
|
| |
October 5, 2004
Top Ten Things Auto Racing Has Taught Me presented by Mario Andretti
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
How to take the Arby's drive-thru at 135 miles an hour
|
How to kiss Chris Economaki's ass
|
| 9 |
Chicks can't resist a guy who smells like motor oil
|
When they call me a greasy monkey, it isnt' cuz I'm a wop
|
| 8 |
How many of you losers know what a wicker bill is?
|
The seats in F1 are lousy on your hemmorhoids
| 7 |
You can go to some fancy racing school, but here's all you need to know--stand on it
|
A pit-stop isn't long enough to jerk off
|
| 6 |
I'd trade everything for a talking car like Knight Rider
|
I'd trade everything for some of that white-trash NASCAR poon
|
| 5 |
You can win the Daytona 500 and still have no idea how to check your oil
|
Win the Indy 500 and you're almost as famous in Indiana as Letterman -- whoop-di-do!
|
| 4 |
My grandkids could sleep in until two minutes before school starts and I'd still get them there on time
|
I can do my wife for two minutes and be doing my mistress before the frigid bitch starts to snore
|
| 3 |
Even if you're one of the best race car drivers of all time, you still have to do crap like this
|
Even if you're one of the best race car drivers of all time, deep down you're still a dago
| 2 |
Although it has nothing to do with racing, here's one thing I know--The 2004 Yankees are going all the way, am I right, people?
|
If people will watch assholes like me driving in circles, they'll watch anything - am I right, Dave?
|
| 1 |
Never get in a car with Letterman--he's nuts
|
The joy of auto-erotica
|
| |
September 29, 2004
Top Ten Possible Names For Donald Trump's New Cologne
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Over De Comb
|
Ivana Take-a Shower
|
| 9 |
Damp Basement
|
Apprent-piss
|
| 8 |
Hey, You Smell Like a Raccoon!
|
Grey Flannel With Skid Marks
| 7 |
Tramp
|
Rump
|
| 6 |
I Can't Believe It's Not Selling
|
What I Won't Do for A Buck
|
| 5 |
Eau De Donald
|
Eau De Casino Men's Room
|
| 4 |
Chapter Eleven For Men
|
Pre-nup for Men
|
| 3 |
Arrogance
|
EGO
| 2 |
What's That Crap You're Wearing?
|
Billionare Butt
|
| 1 |
You're Fragrant!
|
I'm an Asshole!
|
| |
September 28, 2004
Top Ten New York Yankees Strategies For Winning the World Series presented by Gary Sheffield
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Blind opponents with light reflected off Jeter's World Series rings
|
I dunno, spend 100 million more on salaries than anyone else?
|
| 9 |
Thanks to some scientist friends of mine over at Cal Tech, Mickey Mantle will be playing centerfield
|
Thanks to some scientist friends of mine over at Balco, we got steroids in our pine tar
|
| 8 |
We added a home run-hitting kangaroo and there ain't a thing anyone can do about it
|
We're copying the strategy in Iraq-- big bombs early and then we'll leave the field when nobody's looking
| 7 |
Replace opponents' bats with hilarious novelty exploding bats
|
Replace long-winded 9/11 tribute at 7th inning stretch with even longer-winded 9/11 tribute
|
| 6 |
Never swing at the first pitch and always hit the cutoff man or some crap like that
|
Never take less money, look fans in the eye, or forget to praise Jeter
|
| 5 |
Can't think of a number 5 so check out these pythons, ladies
|
Can't think of a number 5, so check out this python, ladies. I know my nuts are like raisins, but the 'roids do that
|
| 4 |
Here's a secret I used when I won the World Series with Florida in '97--in the postseason, give 112%
|
Here's a secret I used when I won the World Series with Florida in '97 -- play the Indians
|
| 3 |
Hideki Matsui taught us some crazy Kung Fu
|
John Olerud taught us how to polish his helmet
| 2 |
Convince Mr. Steinbrenner to spend a little money on this team for once
|
Convince Mr. Steinbrenner to keep the umps on the payroll
|
| 1 |
Hit a home run and Oprah buys you a new car
|
Look at the Mets, and do the opposite
|
| |
September 28, 2004
Top Ten George W. Bush Debate Strategies
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Ask the question, "We've never had a horse-faced president so why start now?"
|
Ask the question, "We've had 4-years of a horse-shit president so why stop now?"
|
| 9 |
Instead of witty retorts, have secret service wrestle Senator Kerry to the ground
|
Listen to that voice in earpiece that sounds just like Jesus, uh, Cheney
|
| 8 |
Use Kerry's long-winded answers to take much needed bathroom breaks
|
Wave Saddam's gun around like a babbling idiot. Smile at standing ovation
| 7 |
Hope one of them hurricanes cancels the debate
|
Whip out penis in 'wardrobe malfunction' and have FCC cancel debates
|
| 6 |
Instead of water, fill Kerry's mug with Red Bull and vodka
|
When Kerry mentions Vietnam point out that way more babies have been killed in Iraq
|
| 5 |
Find time to work in joke prop--giant waffle
|
Find time to explain that it's beneath him to suggest Kerry is weak liberal Washington insider who may or may not have been a homosexual
|
| 4 |
Moving his lips to pretend microphone isn't working
|
Hold up nude photos of daughters to advertise their phone sex business
|
| 3 |
Handle it same way he handled national guard duty--don't show up
|
Handle it same way he handled 9/11 -- sit real quiet and wait for someone to change his diaper
| 2 |
If Kerry makes a good point, distract him with some chaw spit in the eye
|
If Kerry makes a good point, shrug shoulders, shake head, and say "soft on terrorism"
|
| 1 |
Point out Senator Kerry's mispronunciation of the word "nucular"
|
Point out no one is more qualified to drive this country straight to Hell
|
| |
September 22, 2004
Top Ten Ways CBS News Can Improve It's Reputation
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Stick to stories everyone can agree on, like cookies are delicious
|
Stop thinking the American people give a rat's ass
|
| 9 |
Move nightly "happy hour" to after the broadcast
|
Start calling it '5 Minutes of News, 55 Minutes of Ball Washing'
|
| 8 |
Stop hiring guys with crazy names like "Morley"
|
Stop showing boobs, start being boobs, like Fox
| 7 |
Can't figure out if a news story is true? Let Judge Joe Brown decide
|
Want credibility with the American public? Invade CSPAN
|
| 6 |
Every time Mike Wallace tells a lie he gets a life-threatening electrical shock
|
Only report the lies Bush tells you to
|
| 5 |
Newsroom patrolled by some kind of lovable but strict "truth monkey."
|
Move newsroom out of Letterman's private bathroom
|
| 4 |
If it turns out the story is wrong, give away 276 brand new cars
|
If it turns out the story is wrong, remind the world that America is the greatest country on earth. Go on vacation. Repeat.
|
| 3 |
After delivering a report, correspondent must add, "or maybe not--who knows?"
|
Have the CBS eye give a mischievous wink
| 2 |
Newscast consists of Dan Rather sitting down to watch Tom Brokaw
|
Newscast consists of actual news. Naah. More fluff!
|
| 1 |
Oh, I dunno, stop making up crap?
|
Hire that Seacrest guy. He's dreamy
|
| |
September 21, 2004
Top Ten Things I Hope to Accomplish as Miss America (presented by Diedre Downs)
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Foster international peace and harmony while looking totally hot
|
Cheer up our troops with a new line of pastel body bags
|
| 9 |
Blow scholarship money on beer and fireworks
|
Blow B-list celebrities
|
| 8 |
Always been my dream to be invited to a mall opening in Syosett
|
Always been my dream to go home to Alabama and buy my Dad and brother that truck he wanted
| 7 |
Get Oprah to give a car to every United States citizen
|
Get Bush to make almost every American a little poorer, and a little less safe
|
| 6 |
Give men all accross the country a chance to shake hands with a woman they have absolutely no chance of dating
|
Give men all across the internet another face to splooge on
|
| 5 |
Pry some of the jewels out of my crown and sell them on eBay
|
Pluck some hairs from my cooch and sell them on eBay
|
| 4 |
Actually, I plan to spend the year on my couch eating Pringles and watching NASCAR
|
Actually, I plan on continuing in medical school and becoming a pediatrician who works in Africa. Ha ha, fooled ya'll!
|
| 3 |
Fulfill my Miss America obligations without missing a single episode of the new season of "JAG"
|
Travel the globe reminding everyone that America is really a bunch of redneck inbreds
| 2 |
Well I hear there's an opening at Martha Stewart's company
|
I want to inspire a new generation of young girls to become bulimic
|
| 1 |
How could any accomplishment beat reading ten lame jokes on a third-rate talk show?
|
I'm going to follow the President's lead and be a lying coward
|
| |
September 20, 2004
Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals (presented by John Kerry)
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents
|
No estate tax for draft dodgers or the LA Dodgers
|
| 9 |
W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form
|
1040 Form is now the Really-big-number-but-not-so-big-if-we're-talking-dead-soldiers Form
|
| 8 |
Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton
|
In the new economy, your unemployment check is used to buy gas for rich people's SUVs
| 7 |
The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair
|
The fact that this race is close makes me so mad I can almost feel my pulse
|
| 6 |
Attorney General Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution
|
Secretary of State Powell gets to check the "black, but really white" box on the form
|
| 5 |
Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa
|
Rumsfeld can deduct the whole war as a gambling loss
|
| 4 |
Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa (Heinz Kerry) to cover the whole damn thing
|
A flat tax and a Bush tax. George loves big jugs and bald beavers
|
| 3 |
Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent
|
Cheney can claim Hell as his second home
| 2 |
Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular"
|
Instant audit if you vote Democrat
|
| 1 |
George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future |
George W. Bush can claim all of Iraq as dependents
|
| |
July 22, 2004
Top Ten Signs Lance Armstrong Is Getting Cocky
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Race starts at 9, Lance rolls out of bed around noon
|
With only one nut, he really can't be ballsy
|
| 9 |
Has already figured out that the trophy can hold a 3-gallon margarita
|
No longer considers Lance a gay name
|
| 8 |
He eats frosting by the fistful
|
Fisting with Frenchmen by the fistful
| 7 |
For the last leg, he rode one of those crazy 1920s bikes with the big front wheel
|
Races on Big Wheel
|
| 6 |
Deliberately crashing into things to get more air time on sportscenter
|
Already signed over winnings to ex-wife
|
| 5 |
Making a couple extra bucks delivering pizzas during the race
|
Starting to believe someone cares about his sport
|
| 4 |
After the starter pistol is fired, he hangs around hitting on french babes
|
Dumping Sheryl Crow for Alanis Morissette
|
| 3 |
Turns to the other riders and says, "oooh, I'm sooooo scared"
|
Changing name to Lance Armstrongest
| 2 |
Instead of training, spent last 2 months pimping his bike
|
Instead of training, spent last 2 months banging slutty rock star
|
| 1 |
Has started selling ad space on his ass
|
Lobbying to rename race Tour De Lance
|
| |
July 20, 2004
Top Ten Perks Of Winning The British Open presented by Todd Hamilton
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Everywhere I go, I'm recognized by middle-aged fat guys
|
I hear they named a city in Canada for me
|
| 9 |
Whenever Tiger Woods and about a dozen other guys turn down an endorsement deal, I get the call
|
Whenever Tiger Woods and about a dozen other guys are done in the can, it's all mine baby
|
| 8 |
Claret Jug is full of Sambuca
|
The 50,000 pounds? 400 female rugby players with bad teeth!
| 7 |
Get to appear on MTV's 'Pimp My Cart'
|
Get to compete with Scott for next year's "Best Hamilton" ESPY
|
| 6 |
If you beat your caddie with a pitching wedge, the PGA looks the other way
|
I'm a role model for young, white, wealthy Todds everywhere
|
| 5 |
President Bush called me - - he kept calling me Ernie, but it was still nice
|
President Bush called me - - he kept asking what I was wearing, but it was still nice, until he came
|
| 4 |
Certain my boyhood home in Oquawka, Illinois will soon become the #1 tourist spot in America
|
It's golf, so I don't have to thank that Jesus fellah. Instead I thank my poorly paid Hispanic caddy, Jesus
|
| 3 |
You become a household name like past winners David Brown and George Duncan
|
The British really open up to you, and when it's their mouths it's pretty scary
| 2 |
For the next week only, Big Ben will be renamed 'Big Todd'
|
For the next week only, my wife will stop screwing the mail man
|
| 1 |
I've been filling up some divots, if you know what I mean
|
No one makes fun of the size of my putter, if you know what I mean
|
| |
July 19, 2004
Top Ten Things Yelled By Dumb Guys While Watching "I, Robot"
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Try tickling them - - maybe robots is ticklish
|
Danger Will Smith, Danger! This movie blows!
|
| 9 |
Don't kill the fresh prince! Take me instead!
|
Bad robot, bad robot, whatcha gonna do when they come for you, bad robot
|
| 8 |
Who needs popcorn? The butter's good by itself
|
Who needs butter? I can jerk off with spit
| 7 |
Come on, get to the hot robot lovin'
|
I, Claudius was better
|
| 6 |
Isn't this 'I, Spider-man'?
|
I, bought a ticket for this crap?
|
| 5 |
Rumor has it, later the robot has sex with the pie
|
That's the toughest movie robot since Steven Seagal
|
| 4 |
I believe grammatically it should be 'me, robot'
|
I can't wait for II, Robot
|
| 3 |
I hear this is based on the novel by Isaac Asimov's robot
|
Will Smith is like a modern Sammy Davis Jr., except with two eyes
| 2 |
I think some of them robots is on robo-steroids
|
Where's the Darryl Hannah robot at?
|
| 1 |
Let Cheney run the country, I'm watching the movie!
|
Those robots are more life-like than Kerry, and just as frigid as Laura
|
| |
July 14, 2004
Top Ten Ways To Make The All-Star Game More Exciting
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Replace "take me out to the ballgame" with 50 cent's "what up gangsta"
|
Replace umpires with player's white-trash ex-wives
|
| 9 |
Just a thought, but when Saddam's soccer team lost, he'd execute 'em
|
Fewer Dominicans, more midgets
|
| 8 |
Two words: monkey umpires
|
Make them play football
| 7 |
Losing players spend remainder of the year making seven bucks an hour
|
Losing coach from host city gets fired (already instituted)
|
| 6 |
Nine starters, eight uniforms
|
Nine inches, one Piazza
|
| 5 |
Seventh inning players' wife-swap
|
Introduce players and player's pharmacists
|
| 4 |
One lucky ticket-holder gets to manage the Expos in 2005
|
One lucky ticket-holder gets a ham the size of Barry Bonds' head
|
| 3 |
Between innings, Pete Rose plays keno
|
Between innings, Pete Rose defecates on the rotting corpse of A. Bartlett Giamatti
| 2 |
Allow top hitters to use performance-enhancing supplements...oh wait, they already do that
|
Make players kiss Joe Torre's ring...oh wait, they already to that
|
| 1 |
Losing pitcher has to give rubdown to a naked Bud Selig
|
Winning pitcher gets hand job from Mohammed Ali
|
| |
July 1, 2004
Top Ten Things Overheard At Saddam Hussein's Court
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
If the mustache don't fit, you must acquit
|
Is that a jism stain on his ass?
|
| 9 |
Rather than 'murderous dictator,' I'd prefer 'genocidal maniac'
|
Isn't that nice. His favorite goat is here to support him
|
| 8 |
Is it me or is Saddam just the most adorable thing you've ever seen?
|
Is it me or is Saddam just the most adorable murderer since Scott Peterson?
| 7 |
He's obviously had a queer makeover
|
At least he complimented our work at Abu Ghraib
|
| 6 |
If you wanted a lawyer, Mr. Hussein, maybe you should've thought about that before you had them all killed
|
He stole the presidency, invaded a country without reason, and alienated the world! No, not Saddam, I mean Bush
|
| 5 |
You think prison scares me? I lived in a damn spider-hole
|
You think prison scares me? I used to meet regularly with Rumsfeld
|
| 4 |
I'll be released as soon as Kerry takes over
|
I know we bought him his weapons and oil technology but did we need to get him such a nice suit?
|
| 3 |
Wow, Saddam sort of looks like Robert Wagner
|
Wow, Saddam's beard looks just like Laura's bush
| 2 |
Saddam is the most evil man the world has ever known - - not counting Dick Cheney
|
I hear Kato is testifying on his behalf
|
| 1 |
That's cute - - out of habit, Courtney Love showed up
|
Are all the amputees his victims or GIs on leave?
|
| |
June 30, 2004
Top Ten Things Every New York City Tourist Needs To Know
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
If your car is towed, it's cheaper to buy a brand-new one than to pay the fines
|
When you fart you don't have to blame the dog, just blame Jersey
|
| 9 |
Leave one relative back home to carry on the family name
|
Put your toe tags on under your socks
|
| 8 |
You wouldn't believe how friendly some of the men are in Greenwich Village
|
We might love NY, but we're all in the Hamptons, so enjoy!
| 7 |
A cab from JFK to midtown should run you about $600
|
A cab from JFK will run your wife over for less than $50
|
| 6 |
You can economize on hookers by purchasing the weekly pass
|
You can economize on hookers by killing them after services rendered
|
| 5 |
Apparently the new "Spider-Man 2" movie is out on video already
|
It's best to leave the spic, chink and nigger references at home
|
| 4 |
Learn these four words: "I didn't see nuthin'"
|
Learn these four words: "I have no quarters"
|
| 3 |
The police get very angry when they catch you having sex in their squad car
|
The police get very angry when you're black
| 2 |
Don't put Ben-Gay on gunshot wounds
|
Be sure to dine at TGIF's, Applebee's and McDonald's
|
| 1 |
If you smoke in a bar Mayor Bloomberg will kick you in the nuts
|
You don't need to smoke - the air alone will cause cancer
|
| |
June 29, 2004
Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About "Fahrenheit 9/11"
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing
|
The chick who played Laura should've had bigger tits
|
| 9 |
It oversimplified the way I stole the election
|
Not as believable a story or as funny as "White Chicks"
|
| 8 |
Too many of them fancy college-boy words
|
Two thumbs way down, with electrodes attached
| 7 |
If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported
|
The Ashcroft character was way too scary
|
| 6 |
Didn't have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger
|
Closest thing to a monkey was me
|
| 5 |
Of all Michael Moore's accusations, only 97% are true
|
Didn't see Mandy Moore at all - she made it, right?
|
| 4 |
Not sure - - I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe
|
Not sure - - Cheney hasn't told me what I thought of it yet
|
| 3 |
Where the hell was Spider-man?
|
Less me looking stupid, more Arabs gettin' blewed up
| 2 |
Couldn't hear most of the movie over Cheney's foul mouth
|
Like Cheney's porn collection - too Bushy
|
| 1 |
I thought this was supposed to be about Dodgeball
|
Kerry should play me in the sequel
|
| |
June 22, 2004
Top Ten Things Overheard In Line At The Clinton Book Signing
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
I've never been to a book signing at Hooters before
|
This brings back memories of when Presidents could read and write
|
| 9 |
Hey Gore, bring up some more books from the basement
|
Auto-biography? I thought it was auto-erotica!
|
| 8 |
Mr. President, do you know that woman under the table?
|
Mr. President, when I'm done swallowing can I get back in line for seconds?
| 7 |
Could you make it out to Gennifer with a 'G'?
|
Could you explain why Chapter 6 is stuck to Chapter 7?
|
| 6 |
Look, Ken Starr...nah, I'm just messin' with you
|
I'm getting him to sign his first book, "Chicken Soup in Her Hole"
|
| 5 |
This long line is the result of a vast right-wing conspiracy
|
This long line is the result of free pork rinds
|
| 4 |
Those aren't secret service agents - - those are Hillary's people keeping an eye on him
|
Those aren't secret service agents - - they're Hillary's lesbian lovers
|
| 3 |
He's a lot more bubbaish in person
|
Is this the line for anal or just signatures?
| 2 |
How come they're moving all the good-looking women to the front of the line?
|
How come they're moving all the ugly, chubby women to the front of the line?
|
| 1 |
I just pray he signs it with a pen
|
I just pray he could be our President again
|
| |
June 22, 2004
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Ken Griffey Jr.'s Mind As He Hit His 500th Home Run presented by Ken Griffey, Jr.
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
"500 home runs! That entitles me to one free pizza at any participating Pizza Hut's"
|
"Thank God I'm distancing myself from Dave Kingman"
|
| 9 |
"I owe it all to Dr. Phil"
|
"I owe it all to a faulty condom and some 1975 World Series champagne"
|
| 8 |
"This is the time to debut my pantsless home run trot"
|
"This is the time to strain my 'hamstring' and miss another season"
| 7 |
"Maybe this'll help me land an invitation to commissioner Selig's Fourth of July party"
|
"Maybe Mike Piazza will return my calls now"
|
| 6 |
"I'm five percent of the way to 10,000 home runs!"
|
"It's good to be young, black and only work 6 months a year!"
|
| 5 |
"Now I've gotta go on Ebay to buy the ball back"
|
"Pete Rose owes me 100 bucks - 500 home runs before 5 illegitimate kids. Vote Pro-choice."
|
| 4 |
"What a coincidence - - today's also the 500th time I took a leak in Sean Casey's locker"
|
"Now Daddy will love me!"
|
| 3 |
"Maybe with this I'll be named Cincinnati Reds Employee of the Week"
|
"I'm glad Marge Schott wasn't alive to see this"
| 2 |
"C'mon, hurry up! I wanna make the 7:20 showing of 'Dodgeball'"
|
"Going down on Matt Morris was worth every gag"
|
| 1 |
"Anyone dumps Gatorade on me, I'm gonna pound 'em with a fungo bat"
|
"I can finally stop the 'roids"
|
| |
June 21, 2004
Top Ten Surprises In The Bill Clinton "60 Minutes" Interview
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Out of habit, Clinton vehemently denied ever writing his memoirs
|
Out of habit, Clinton banged a production intern
|
| 9 |
During course of single interview, put away 6 bags of Ruffles
|
Doesn't consider anal, bukake, Cleveland steamers, Pittsburgh platters or a dirty Sanchez sex either
|
| 8 |
One of the production assistants - - Al Gore
|
One of the production assistants - - never saw Bill's penis
| 7 |
Endorsement deal required Clinton to mention Spider-Man in each response
|
Overlapping restraining orders required interview to be held at sea with an all-male crew
|
| 6 |
To make Clinton feel more comfortable, Dan Rather wore one of Hillary's ill-fitting pantsuits
|
To make Clinton feel more comfortable, Dan Rather conducted interview from his knees
|
| 5 |
First time an interview with a former President contained the phrase "booty call"
|
Dan Rather prefers male interns
|
| 4 |
Original title of Clinton's Memoir: "Tuesdays with Tubby"
|
Original title of Clinton's Memoir: "It takes a Village - To Lubricate My Wife"
|
| 3 |
Hillary kept calling to make sure he was where he said he'd be
|
For their anniversary he got Hillary a new bag - the stubble on her chin was wearing a hole in the old one
| 2 |
Chained up in Clinton's basement is a very alive Harry Truman!
|
Hillary keeps her self respect in a jar on the mantle, right next to the one with his balls
|
| 1 |
Bill brought a date
|
Bill has a "thing" for ugly women
|
| |
June 8, 2004
Top Ten Things New Yorkers Can Do To Reduce Noise
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
If you plan a drive-by shooting, you must use a silencer
|
Replace rape whistles with rape kazoos
|
| 9 |
Don't scream because you see a rat; only scream if a rat bites you
|
Only use sirens for emergencies involving people under the age of 65
|
| 8 |
If you see someone with the hiccups, kill 'em
|
If you see a homeless person moaning, push 'em in the sewer
| 7 |
Use gentle whisper when telling someone to go screw themselves
|
Shoot first, honk later
|
| 6 |
Check into a hotel instead of having sex in the alley
|
Instead of running screaming from crime, follow the cops lead and ignore it
|
| 5 |
Elect a mayor who'll let people smoke indoors again
|
Have the useless patrol helicopters circle a few more useless miles out of town
|
| 4 |
Tell construction workers, "Turn off that damn jackhammer!"
|
Tell Paul to lower the volume on his organ
|
| 3 |
Quietly remove jackhammer from your ass
|
Use Al Roker and Rosie to muffle the noise
| 2 |
Fewer angry beatings - - more stabbings
|
Fewer hookers shouting to johns - - more hookers sucking dick
|
| 1 |
Put Regis on decaf
|
Shut the fuck up already
|
| |
June 7, 2004
Top Ten Things Overheard At Jennifer Lopez's Wedding
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Do you, Jennifer Lopez, take...I'm sorry, which one are you again?
|
Uh oh, it looks like she's giving the minister those "How would you like to marry me"-eyes
|
| 9 |
We're gathered here today because Jennifer Lopez is apparently trying to break some sort of record
|
I think I know the male lead in Gigli II
|
| 8 |
Her ass looked like the ass of a princess
|
Her ass obscured the view of Marc, the minister, and the Goodyear blimp
| 7 |
You may now divorce the bride
|
You may now cheat on the groom
|
| 6 |
Even the minister is rolling his eyes
|
Even the minister is rolling someone - these PR weddings are crime-ridden
|
| 5 |
I always cry at Jennifer Lopez's weddings
|
I always cry when there are more Jesuses in the crowd than in the stained glass windows
|
| 4 |
Wow, season one of 'Sanford and Son' on DVD! What a thoughtful gift, Dave!
|
I hope the band plays that Frito Bandito song
|
| 3 |
This was fun - - see you at her next one
|
This was fun - - who's on deck, Britney?
| 2 |
Hey, small world - - I'm a divorce lawyer, too
|
Dibs on the bride's ass made out of icing on the cake
|
| 1 |
Honey, why does the cake read 'Ben'?
|
I give it - oops, too late
|
| |
May 25, 2004
Top Ten Questions I Asked Myself Before Casting My "American Idol" Vote
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
"Is this really the best way for a 57-year-old man to be spending his time?"
|
"Why is my mother still alive?"
|
| 9 |
"Will I have the courage to speak if Paula answers the phone?"
|
"Will my 'girlfriend' ever come back from her 'tennis lesson'?"
|
| 8 |
"If I can call my TV, can I also call my toaster?"
|
"Can I cast my vote using my shortwave radio?"
| 7 |
"How much longer will my heart be able to stand this excitement?"
|
"Is my adult diaper wet or is that nervous sweat?"
|
| 6 |
"Is it wrong to vote for Fantasia simply because that's my middle name?"
|
"Is it wrong to vote for Fantasia simply because I imagine her microphone is my penis?"
|
| 5 |
"What would Jesus do?"
|
"What would Jesus tell George Bush to do?"
|
| 4 |
"Have I finally hit rock bottom?"
|
"Have I finally hit rock bottom, or will that come when I have Fantasia on my show?"
|
| 3 |
"Do I really want to risk the same heartbreak I suffered when Clay lost?"
|
"Do you deserve to win if you're named after a strip club?"
| 2 |
"Why does my phone smell like baked beans?"
|
"Why does my ass taste like baked beans?"
|
| 1 |
"Would I vote differently if I were sober?"
|
"Will I be able to work the phone without my assistant?"
|
| |
May 25, 2004
Top Ten Signs Your Team Is Not Going To Win The NBA Finals
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
"Owner won't pay for team to travel to away games"
|
"Point guard not indicted for rape"
|
| 9 |
"Coach used time-out to go get Spike Lee's autograph"
|
"Coach used time-out to drop off resume with Phil Jackson"
|
| 8 |
"Your teammate spends whole game guarding the ref"
|
"Refs call your center for fouls and travelling"
| 7 |
"Power forward has been out two months with the hiccups"
|
"Power forward begs to be hand-checked again and again"
|
| 6 |
"During the season, you lost to the Lakers and the Laker Girls"
|
"You're not the Lakers"
|
| 5 |
"Your team logo is a guy asleep in a hammock"
|
"Your team ain't got a gangsta, a thyroidal freak or a Serb"
|
| 4 |
"Much of the 24 seconds is spent on uncontrollable sobbing"
|
"Your teams last triple-double was 3 cheerleaders and 2 Laotion boys"
|
| 3 |
"No one can dunk without using a stepladder"
|
"No one can dunk without a donut"
| 2 |
"Your best player is named Shaquille Wasserstein"
|
"Your best player is named Eugene O'Neil, and he wrote your best play too"
|
| 1 |
"Many nights you have more groin pulls than points"
|
"None of OJ's lawyers on your defense"
|
| |
May 24, 2004
Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through My Mind At The Daytime Emmy Awards presented by Dr. Phil
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
"It's an honor to be surrounded by so many talented people I've never heard of before"
|
"Fat, bald, and ripping off America is no way to go through life, Phil"
|
| 9 |
"If I play my cards right, I really think I have a shot with that Ellen Degeneres"
|
"If I play my cards right, I really think I have a shot with that Wayne Brady"
|
| 8 |
"Alex Trebek's always good about sneaking in booze"
|
"Regis Philbin's always good about sneaking in Laotion boys"
| 7 |
"On each ticket, there's a coupon for 50 cents off Taco Bell Nachos Grande"
|
"Why did Degeneres smell like tuna when we hugged?"
|
| 6 |
"Because deep down, I crave validation from others as a substitute for the affection that was denied me as a child - - or some psycho babble like that"
|
"Holy crap Oprah has a big head!"
|
| 5 |
"Just can't get enough of Bob Barker's hilarious neutering stories"
|
"Martha Stewart would win for 'Best Bitch In Court' if Judge Judy wasn't nominated"
|
| 4 |
"Getting dressed up makes me feel...pretty"
|
"If that fart I just cut is a stinker, I'm blaming Susan Lucci"
|
| 3 |
"As someone who studies bizarre behavior, hanging around soap opera actors is like being in a candy store"
|
"I wonder if that restraining order prevents me from a copping a feel of the Olsen twins?"
| 2 |
"I just love being on TV, dammit"
|
"Dammit, I'm so hungry I could eat Al Roker, and not just his jism"
|
| 1 |
"Me: Three Emmy nominations. Freud: Zero Emmy nominations, know what I'm saying?"
|
"I hope no one can see me jacking off"
|
| |
May 19, 2004
Top Ten Cool Things About Pitching A Perfect Game
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
"After this, I can go 0-15 for the year and honestly not give a crap"
|
"With all these acne scars I'm not sure it was really perfect."
|
| 9 |
"My pre-game dinner at Denny's tonight? On the house!"
|
"My pre-game handjob from Denny the bat boy? On the house!"
|
| 8 |
"Shows everyone that even though I'm 40, I can still...I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought."
|
"A miracle at my age, but not as big a miracle as Letterman having viable sperm."
| 7 |
"Cool to get congratulatory call from the President, even though he kept calling me 'Larry'"
|
"Cool to get congratulatory call from the President, even though I wish it had been Cheney."
|
| 6 |
"Can walk up to guys who've thrown no-hitters and whisper, "Loser"
|
"I'll be as famous as the other 16 guys who've done it, but never as gay as David Cone."
|
| 5 |
"All the pine tar I can eat!"
|
"Makes my steroid-shriveled genitals tingle."
|
| 4 |
"Your catcher hugs you and it feels kinda...nice"
|
"Your catcher hugs you and it feels like Piazza."
|
| 3 |
"Maybe people will finally forget about the time I killed that bird."
|
"It feels special to make a boring game even more boring."
| 2 |
"It's just one more thing about me that's perfect, am I right, ladies?"
|
"It's just one more thing to overpay me for."
|
| 1 |
"George Steinbrenner just offered me a billion dollars to sign with the Yankees."
|
"Always wanted my balls in the Hall of Fame."
|
| |
May 18, 2004
Top Ten Rocketman Pickup Lines
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
"May I enter your airspace?"
|
"May I initiate docking sequence?"
|
| 9 |
"You smell marvelous - - What kind of liquid propellant are you wearing?"
|
"Houston, we have a problem in my pants."
|
| 8 |
"I'm experiencing substantial lift in my pants"
|
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin."
| 7 |
"This rocket belt would look great on the floor of your bedroom"
|
"Open the pod bay doors, gal."
|
| 6 |
"Want to join the 800-foot-high club?"
|
"Nice external boosters."
|
| 5 |
"I couldn't help noticing earlier that the top of your head is very beautiful"
|
"In space, no one can hear you fake an orgasm."
|
| 4 |
"You know, the nickname 'Rocketman' has nothing to do with this rocket belt"
|
"You want Bowie tickets?"
|
| 3 |
"Wanna thrust?"
|
"Wanna be my ass-tronaut?"
| 2 |
"As a Guinness record holder, I could introduce you to that guy with the beard of bees."
|
"As an incredible geek, I can get you a good price on a pair of 20-sided dice."
|
| 1 |
"I can stay up for hours."
|
"How about I plant my flag on Uranus?"
|
| |
May 14, 2004
Top Ten Good Things About Working At 4 a.m.
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
A sanitation employee: "When no one's on the roads, I can open this baby up to 15 miles per hour."
|
A sanitation employee: "Working? Ha ha ha. Get away from the truck."
|
| 9 |
A waitress: "Customers are so groggy they don't notice when I charge them forty bucks for a B.L.T."
|
A waitress: "Customers are so groggy they don't notice when I hawk a loogie in the salad."
|
| 8 |
A security guard: "Who else gets to go to happy hour at noon?"
|
A security guard: "This is the best time to let my buddies in to steal."
| 7 |
A doorman: "Sometimes real late at night, the door starts talking to me."
|
A doorman: "Dawn is when I ponder the anachronism that is my chosen profession."
|
| 6 |
A hospital nurse: "If I get sleepy, I can sneak a nap in the M.R.I. machine."
|
A hospital nurse: "I can be the Angel of Death and rid the world of lingering malcontents."
|
| 5 |
A custodian: "Nothing."
|
A custodian: "Being all alone makes it less humiliating picking the trash to feed my family."
|
| 4 |
A bartender: "What could be more pleasant than being surrounded by sweaty, angry drunks?"
|
A bartender: "Only 3 more hours until we reopen."
|
| 3 |
A tow truck operator: "Get to meet interesting people like Billy Joel."
|
A tow truck operator: "If I run over a homeless guy, I don't have to report it."
| 2 |
An exotic dancer: "By the time I get to work, the pole is nice and warm."
|
An exotic dancer: "By this time of night all my holes are nice and stretched."
|
| 1 |
A taxi driver: "Most nights looking in the rearview mirror is like watching a dirty movie."
|
A taxi driver: "The whores are so tired I don't need to waste my roofies."
|
| |
May 11, 2004
Top Ten Ways Dumb Guys Would Lower Gas Prices
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Sell gas by the half-gallon.
|
Rename it "ass."
|
| 9 |
Sneak up to gas stations in the middle of the night and switch the price numbers.
|
Put beans in the tanks.
|
| 8 |
Cut out that expensive ingredient that gives it that delicious gas smell.
|
Stop using it as mouthwash.
| 7 |
Forget OPEC, start getting oil from Wal-Mart.
|
Sell it at the dollar store.
|
| 6 |
Step one: Oprah buys all the gas. Step 2: Oprah gives the gas away.
|
Buy big, unsafe SUVs cause they got big gas tanks.
|
| 5 |
Build time machine, drive back to 1965 when gas was cheap.
|
Crack whores. You're lookin' for cheap gash, right?
|
| 4 |
Fill car with root beer. Cars won't know no better.
|
Stay closer to home - bang your kin.
|
| 3 |
Release the recipe so people can make their own
|
Put rocks in gas tanks so they take less.
| 2 |
Drive really fast so you're not driving so long.
|
Walk to the gas station to fill up.
|
| 1 |
Invade Iraq.
|
Ask Cheney to do it.
|
| |
May 7, 2004
Top Ten Pieces Of Advice I Gave My Celebrity Child
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Lance Armstrong's Mom: "That whole 'win the Tour De France five years in a row' thing? My idea."
|
Lance Armstrong's Mom: "Testicles are over-rated. I'll keep yours in a jar next to your father's."
|
| 9 |
Stephon Marbury's Mom: "No rice pudding until you perfect the crossover dribble."
|
Stephon Marbury's Mom: "Honey, stop dribbling and come rub your Momma's feet"
|
| 8 |
Liv Tyler's Mom: "Remember to moisturize so you don't end up looking like Letterman."
|
Liv Tyler's Mom: "You got cock sucking lips like your Dad, don't be afraid to use 'em."
| 7 |
Avril Lavigne's Mom: "Use your music industry clout to make CDs easier to open."
|
Avril Lavigne's Mom: "Be more slutty."
|
| 6 |
Jimmy Fallon's Mom: "Wash your hands after being near that Paris Hilton."
|
Jimmy Fallon's Mom: "Wash your hands after giving Lorne Michaels hand jobs."
|
| 5 |
Carson Daly's Mom: "Carson, why be a doctor? Be a veejay on MTV."
|
Carson Daly's Mom: "I wish your brother McMahon would be as successful as you."
|
| 4 |
Tyra Banks' Mom: "Stay away from that Donald Trump."
|
Tyra Banks' Mom: "Keeps them skinny legs crossed until Mr. Rich Whitey comes-a-callin'"
|
| 3 |
Julia Robert's Mom: "Save your money, honey, because trust me, beauty fades."
|
Julia Robert's Mom: "I told you that big mouth would be good for lots of things."
| 2 |
Beyonce's Mom: "If you wanna be famous, work hard, stay in school, and be really, really hot."
|
Beyonce's Mom: "Singing in the choir is for losers, get out there and shake that thing girl, Momma needs a new Jag."
|
| 1 |
David Letterman's Mom: "Don't tell people you're my son."
|
David Letterman's Mom: "If you're a good boy you can sleep in the big bed with me."
|
| |
May 5, 2004
Top Ten Perks Of Being The Oldest Woman In The World
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
You can suck at golf and shoot your age
|
My husband died 50 years ago
|
| 9 |
All you have to do is wake up in the morning and people are impressed
|
All you have to do is wake up in the morning and your kids are pissed
|
| 8 |
Unlikely anyone will say, "Could you give me a hand moving this couch?"
|
Unlikely anyone will say, "Could you give me a handjob?"
| 7 |
If you work out, eat right and moisturize, you can pass for 110
|
Most people assume you're the world's oldest man, so you get equal pay
|
| 6 |
That bitch that stole your high school boyfriend? Dead
|
That grandkid that never visited? Dead
|
| 5 |
Your "American Idol" vote counts double
|
Hot flashes replaced by tepid flashes
|
| 4 |
Nobody expects you to understand that Snoop Dogg "izzle" talk
|
Nobody expects you to be molesting their kids
|
| 3 |
It's flattering to be asked out by Ashton Kutcher
|
Your cooch is so dry you can use it to sharpen pencils
| 2 |
Can get fall-down drunk and everyone thinks it's the medication
|
AARP has gone bankrupt sending you brochures
|
| 1 |
The sex has never been better
|
The sex has never been more infrequent
|
| |
April 29, 2004
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Hooters
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
"Hi, I'm Tammi, I'll be your waitress"
|
"Guess why they call me lefty"
|
| 9 |
"Wanna lick my mustache? It's hot and spicy"
|
"You want a side order of Nair for your monkey? Oh, I mean your wife?"
|
| 8 |
"Don't worry, your waitress is taking a load of Penicillin. I'm sure she's not contagious"
|
"Look at my breasts again and I'll spit in your soup again"
| 7 |
"You ordered the Raccoon, right?"
|
"Here's your order of 'fresh' clams"
|
| 6 |
"See if you can tell which one on of these I sneezed on"
|
"It's oversized sweatsuit night!"
|
| 5 |
"You better give me a good tip or I'll break your legs"
|
"Wow, 15%. I'm glad I gave you herpes"
|
| 4 |
"Here's your chicken fingers, and here's your lipitor"
|
"Here's your chicken fingers. Watch out for claws"
|
| 3 |
"You look at my daughter again and I'll deep fry your face"
|
"Is that a french fry in your pants or did my outfit give you the tiniest erection I've ever seen?"
| 2 |
"Hey for $10 you can see me in one of these outfits"
|
"See if you can tell which one of these had the lumpectomy"
|
| 1 |
"Here's your wet nap"
|
"Hey! Why's your lap wet?"
|
| |
April 28, 2004
Top Ten Way Saddam Hussein Celebrated His 67th Birthday
| Dave's List | Uncle Melon's List
|
| 10 |
Entertained by stripper dressed as U.N. inspector
|
Used cellmate's turban as a pinata
|
| 9 |
Visits from wives 1, 3 and 12 and Sean Penn
|
Visits from old friends Don Rumsfeld, Don Knotts, and Don Rickles
|
| 8 |
Arranged fleas on his chest to form number "67"
|
Ate cake in safely guarded cell while Americans and Iraqi's killed each other and starved just outside
| 7 |
Thanked Allah he wasn't drafted by the San Diego Chargers
|
Cashed his check from | | |
|
