These are actual keywords that someone typed into a search engine. Then someone saw UncleMelon listed and decided to visit.

accountant buggering sheep But he keeps a good count, and then falls asleep.

blondes who don t shave See also "blondes who are wives."

dog peeing celebration(soccer) "The boys from Manchester United defeated Crystal Palace last night. Here's footage of them squeezing out urine from a Great Dane all over their coach to mark the victory."

collage girls gone wild Nothing like hot collage girls that are going wild!

norway current events funny This is always a tough category to weed out. Is it the controversy over whether Norway is more or less relevant to the world than Sweden, or the epidemic of fish breath?

cucumber fun

blondes on massive cook Paul Prudhomme in "Cajun Cooking With Blondes"

is donna douglas a virgin She was until Mr. Haney caught her out behind the corn crib. Wait, that was Mrs. Douglas. Donna Douglas was Ellie Mae on the Beverly Hillbillies. A virgin! Hell, she was doing threesomes at 15 - if you count kin.

chip dale cartoon porn So Erik Estrada and the white guy run down Roy Roger's wife, pull her from the horse, and then next thing you know they're dp-ing her until she whinnies.

athlete s foot humor Ain't nothing funny about this fungal infection. Until it hits her vagina and becomes a yeast infection. Then it's funny.

vanilla skank I don't wants no vanilla. I want somethings strong for my money. Likes dat sweet chocolate skank my ho gives me every night.

taiwanese used panties Tempting due to the low price, Consumer Reports says they're unsafe at any speed, and rife with Asian viruses, too.

aunt bea s fat ass It might have been fat, but it sure was sweet. Ask Gomer, Goober, Floyd, Barney, Andy, Opie, Anthony, Howard Stern, Ben Stein, and anyone else who was at the 1961 Mayberry "Pickle Fest".

is bea arthur dead Not yet, but we have 1 billion Hindus praying every day.

penguin adult humor This penguin is going down on his girlfriend. He peeks up and says "You taste like cod." And the whole colony explodes with laughter.

islamabad pussy Also known as "Paki poontang," "Towelhead twat" and "Camel cunt".

making playhouse carbon How we'd while the hours away in the playhouse, tossing graphite, gazing at lumps of coal, even trying to make diamonds by squeezing pencils with our buttocks. Good times.

latvia spanking camp One summer my parents sent me to a Latvia Spanking Camp. It sucked. The next year they sent me to a YMCA camp. That really sucked!

were boo go Boo go home. Sully sad.

britney spears sucks mexico She's one hot enchilada! No wonder illegal immigration is down.

kama sutra - animated OK

how to make a star wars pinata Get some papier mache, a length of rope, and a laser powerful enough to dissolve steel 20 miles away. Convince the Republicans it's necessary for "Homeland Security." Receive billions in funding. Test in artificially favorable circumstances. Grab candy. Eat and repeat.

miss deaf mexican There she is, Miss Deaf Mexican! Hey, why the hell am I singing? I can just move my lips and nobody will know the difference.

obituary on actress natalie woods I want my obit tattooed on a live chick, not some soggy dead one.

kendo images art This is adult humor and funny stuff. Domo arigato and have a nice day, dumbass.

old rusty nails A sure way to get tetanus or a euphemism for a sex tour of a retirement village, you decide.

indian comics funny
Checked out the Bombay Times and found this:

funny tampons The funniest one I ever saw was my ex-wife's, when the string got caught between the mailman's two front teeth. I laughed for weeks after I shot them both.

home beastiality Away is when you do Rover in his dog house.

where buy rats nyc Charles River Laboratories, where discriminating cities buy vermin.

britney spears allergic You should see the red, irritated skin I get when I rub up against Teen Beat.

anal fun Think "Pile Driving" and "Demolition Rectum" and you have a virtual theme park back there.

let's fuck joanie What did Pottsie, Ralph Malph and Richie say after a fustrating night at Arnold's?

belly button ticking photos "Don't get too close, Al, it's ticking. Take some video with the robot, and bring back a lint sample for the lab. Who is this whale anyway?" "Uh, the ID just say's 'Rosie'"

foghorn cough It started with a cough, but his lungs quickly filled with fluid. Hours later, F. Leghorn was dead, a victim of anthrax. Thousands of miles away in a cave, the chickenhawk laughed it up with Wiley Coyote and Osama.

hot to make a woman horny "Hot enought to fry an egg? Hell, it's hot enough to make MY wife horny. OK, it ain't that hot."

taylor hayes blowjob Come on, President Taylor was dead 27 years before President Hayes was even born. But the idea of Zachery "Rough and Ready" Taylor, southerner and owner of over 100 slaves, "getting a hummer" from northerner, Rutherford B. Hayes, he of the famous Civil War injury, is just so whimsical. Let's do it.

lost love in edgar allan poe s the raven

air conditioning nipples New from Trane, implants that emit cool, dry air on a hot summer day.

anxiety clubs I wanted to join one, but I was so afraid!

bush lover See www.landscapinglovers.com

my first time in a petticoat I can remember my first time. It was at Ryker's Island, my first day inside. My cellmate (still a good friend) just happened to have a pair my size. Thank God they gave us toothpaste without baking soda in it, or my ass would still be bleeding.

funny patio disasters So this family in Bangladesh is out on their patio watching the monsoons, when an earthquake hits and they all tumble into the hot tub and die! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

smell of burning opium Smells of victory. Or at least, of waking up with three Laotian boys in my bed and one helluva hangover.

fidel castro humor One day Castro's motorcade breaks down right in front of a farm house. Castro asks if he can spend the night. The farmer says "OK, but you can't sleep with my daughter." So Castro has the farmer and his wife executed, has sex with the daughter, and imprisons her for life.

fucking pocahontas ...and the rest of the Indians = Thanksgiving!

can you snort opium Sure, but the alcohol in that perfume will burn like hell. Just snort cocaine like us.

weber grill review "Here's the idea Sid - a hundred Weber grills, dancing like the Rockettes, then the one in the middle opens up, and starts singing...whattaya think? Sid? Sid?"

pregnant wife contest Last year just for fun, I impregnated my wife, fattened her up, washed her in buttermilk and entered her in the contest at the County Fair. She came in second to a 350 pound Polish broad from Mt. Pilot that was carrying twins.

liza minelli colostomy Apparently she buys her bags from Gucci.

hot albino chick Hot looking? Or hot from standing in the sun? Cause the latter is gonna be hard to find.

chicken pox humor This bacteria says to the other "Varicella are we?". Then they colonize the zoster and eat away the patient's ass.

crab pipe helicopter flag crash car funny Using a supercomputer, some consultants from MIT, and a dog-eared copy of "The Joy of Sex" our researchers were unable to figure out what this loser was looking for.

cinderella dresses in atlanta Visit www.atlantabraves.com and check out Chipper Jones' rookie card.

balloon knot pleasure At every holiday party Dad would just tie one balloon after another, staring longingly at the latex sphincter. It was only years after his death that I understood the simple pleasure he took in this act, and why the cat also ended up licking the puddle that formed under his chair.

burning army men Just visit www.whitehouse.gov and read up on the President's Iraq policy

elroy jetson fuck judy Who didn't fuck Judy? How about you Astro? "Rup, I rucked rher rhard...rher rass too!"

gi joe nudes The way most G.I. Joes faced their inevitable demise and replacement with pornography as a favorite toy.

mike piazza nude And high, and high! High is important, ok?

yoda lightsaber battle "Whip this out me, you mind if?". The Jedi then plunged his light sabre into her black hole. "Fucking good it feels" he moaned.

varicous veins in the head I hope you mean cranium and not penis, cuz that would be yucky.

punch britney spear s belly I won't do it. That's how Houdini died.

britney spears punished She will be. Once the make-up is gone and the crow's feet kick in, she'll cry herself to sleep every night in front of the mirror. But I still won't punch her in the belly.

comic ignorant chicken He was so comic ignorant, he didn't know why he crossed the road!

mrs. insatiable Unfortunately, married to Mr. PrematureEjaculation.

swallow tera patrick OK!

yiddish porno Yours for just $9.95: "Not Tonight Sol, Oy What A Headache", "Not-even-close-to Deep Throat", "Now That We're Married Your Hand Is Good Enough," "Enough with the Verkockteh Backdoor, Go to Sleep Already!!"

how to fuck melon Depends on the melon. A watermelon is easy: buy, drill, and drill. A cantaloupe takes more work, just like some real women. And like real women, it's best to crack it open with a ball peen hammer and be sloppy about it. Honeydews? I don't fuck no honeydews.

why-the-english-suck Why the english suck? Hmmm, let me think... we get a lot of traffic from England so I'll try to put this nicely. Well, I guess its because they are pasty faced pussies who once owned the whole fucking world but now can't even be bothered to brush their own rotting teeth. They drink warm beer, boil all their food and make puddings out of menstrual blood. Their women are a cold, mildewy lot with the exception of that one chick in the Spice Girls. Their men are so gay that they call cigarettes fags because they like to imagine that they are sucking on a dick when ever they light up. Their men are so ugly and physically decrepid that one of their princesses' chose to hob the knob of a dirty camel jockey rather than spend one more day with their fairy-assed king. World power-wise they are about as important as a double A battery. Let's face it, Canada, Australia and New Zealand could all kick England's butt. They lost a war to three sheep and a couple of Argentinians. When it comes to sex I think they invented the missionary position which is ok but probably Luxembourg would of figured it out eventually. They do speak American so that's good but they kind of suck at that too. Did this help?(With apologies to P.J. O'Rourke who I think is dead.)

colin powel arab coffee From the Martha Stewart Paint Collection at K-Mart. I painted the walls arab coffee and did the trim in colin powell.

wife pregnant by other I only wish. Then I'd be out-of-here.

heidi klum fuck her Yeah! and fuck that two-timer Cindy Crawford too! That bitch used me like an old dish towel.

yiddish penis See also "miniature Kosher salami."

sexy picture of afghani couple Go to www.nofuckingway.com

webcam amputee Visit www.surgicalsluts.com, peruse the menu, and select a amputeee (or multiple amputee). Live amputees are waiting for you! Right, Eileen?

mirrors that make you look bloated and sweaty It seems every mirror is like this for me.

negro melon The proper term is melons of color.

vibrator of the month club By the time June rolled around my wife had me sleeping in the basement and was running 220 volts up to the bedroom.

boobs as big as footballs To hell with "as big as," I want them the same shape and with the laces.

what men fear humor So this older guy marries this young woman and on their wedding night he's all excited about teaching her about sex. He whips it out and asks her what it is, and she says "a wee wee." He says "No honey, its called a penis." And she says "I've seen a lot of penises, and that's a wee-wee!" Seriously, it was a joke and didn't actually happen to me.

cindy brady skinny-dipping I remember that episode. Alice catches her out back in the kiddie pool, hangs her from the jungle gym and punishes her with the feather duster. I believe that Anne B. Davis won her only Emmy for that one.

sex with the fedex guy Nice, and if you want anal, go "Brown" at UPS.

carbon monoxide hose car Try searching "razor blades bathtub exsanguination"

shake after peeing With an easy calculation you can determine that over 4.5 million gallons of urine are exchanged via handshakes each day.

dog peeing art I don't know much about art, but I know what I like about dog peeing.

oscar host who got few laughs by saying oprah uma uma oprah This guy knew this much, but didn't know "LETTERMAN"?

reverse doggie style Ouch!

funny eisenhower That would have be Ike's lesbian sister, Dyke. She used to have me rolling in her carpet.

monkey smells own finger And so do I. And Darwin had to go to the Galapagos. Moron.

anti-arab comics I remember when Lucy would hold down little Omar and let Charlie Brown kick him in the nuts. Then she'd pull him away at the last second!

gone with the wind humor So Rhett whips it out, and Scarlet declares "I'll never go hungry again!". "Me's neithers" cried Mammie.

puddles of pee pee It was an all urologist new wave band in the early 80's.

sequined soap It looks good, but it leaves marks on my ass.

benny hill is dead No he's not. He's just pine-ing for the fiords.

merkava specifications If terrorists are coming to Uncle Melon for weapons specs, we should all sleep well tonight.

thomas the wank engine From the makers of "The Little Engine That Couldn't Get It Up," "Potty Training Your Submissive," and the entire Golden Shower Book collection.

yams porn That would be filed between the X-ray porn and the Zombie porn, and cross-referenced to Tuber porn.

eeyore sex He was hung like a mule, so you can't really blame Christopher Robin.

hmmm Hmmm, get a life.

rita hayworth pussy Once Orson Welles was there, I think "pussy" was too polite a term.

ovaltine porn Swiss Miss, Mrs. Butterworth, and Betty Crocker all make sense. But Ovaltine? That's just sick.

did judy jetson swallow Oh course she didn't swallow! Judy Jetson didn't EAT ferchrisakes, she was a cartoon character!

why is velma so mean to daphne Because Daphne has tits.

dago jerry lewis Remember him? He was funny! Dago Jerry Lewis never had a chance after Jew Jerry Lewis teamed up with that dago Dean Martin.

douche boys While not as popular as Pep Boys, the Douche Boys still stock the widest selection of feminine hygiene products at warehouse prices.

breast milk fetish in houston It's America's number one city for this. It's sister city in Europe is Utterbeighen in Germany.

crack ho jesus From the 2002 edition of the New Testament, contemporized for present-day readers: And lo, Jesus approached the fallen woman, and seeing her plight, and her woeful need for the Devil's drug proclaimed "Get back on the street bitch! You think this is a free freakin' ride?"

fly farts That's who I blame when the dog's not around.

we show teacher our pee holes and he kisses them I'm gonna take a wild guess - Catholic School?

I sock my big brother dick Hey, my big brother made me sock his dick too. I used to have to steal one of my Dad's dress socks and my big brother would pretend he was Flip Wilson.

shroud of turin humor So the Pope and a Cardinal are inspecting the Shroud of Turin. The Cardinal asks "Was Jesus really hung so well, your Holiness?" The Pope replies "Oh no, we drew that thing in with a magic marker back in the 60's. Our savior was hung like a Jew."