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Uncle Melon Finds Japanese Porn

The other day one of my co-workers came back from a trip to Japan. He's a pretty nice guy and he brought gifts for everyone in the office - Sally got some green tea, the boss got a bottle of sake, and Uncle Melon got a porn mag. This should make it clear that your Uncle isn't all that good at disguising his inner self in day-to-day life.

Now it isn't that I've seen a lot of porno, but I have. But this porno was special, coming direct from the other side of the international date line. I'm in the majority of guys who really like Asians but have never been even close to one except when taking the SAT. I've heard theories that Asian women are portrayed as subservient, innocent, and unspoiled and thats why we like them. All I know is they're hot, and the diameter issues would be interesting.

So, the magazine in question is Bejean and this "review" covers the Christmas issue. As I'm removing it from its opaque plastic wrapper I immediately spring wood.

As pornography goes, its pretty tame, but the chicks are hot. For example, meet Yuko:

Now if you can't squeeze off a few shots using this pic alone you're half-a-fag. Needless to say I plan on learning a lot about the land of the rising sun as my "son" rises in my pants. But the magazine is filled with stuff that, well, for lack of a better term is a bit weird. Yuko is hot. Very hot. But, do we have to see her in all these outfits?

YES, we do! It almost looks like those ads for Halloween costumes from the Sear's Catalog. I'm particularly fond of the nun sucking the lollipop. Are nuns allowed to suck on lollipops? I thought that was an altar boy's job.

If you prefer thicker-thighed school girls, here's Kaori Tanaka:

They even have some mama-san mama-san action:

The magazine also insists on using English translations for certain images and pictorials. I assume these were designed to titillate and intrigue me, since the Japanese guy who whacks off to this mag gets the benefit of being able to read all of the stuff (I was at least able to discern that all the models are over 18). The publishers of Bejean have several features that are given English titles. For example:

Is she supposed to be the monkey or the baby or is this code reminding me to take care of the monkey while looking at her panties and muttering "baby"? There are several other features equally uninterpretable. The finale of the mag is the following feature:

Apparently, she's a virgin. So the fruit thing. And of course, she does't drink, so Prohibition. Whatever.

Here's the no-peeping girl:

I'm NOT supposed to peep? What the hell is the point?

The advertisements in this magazine are what really freaked me out. Some were pretty obvious. Babes with 55-digit numbers under them?

I'm guessing - phone sex. Some of other ones are harder to figure. Explain this:

Is he swinging at a high hard one? Is there a secret Japanese Little League fetish?

Here's another ad that is uniquely Japanese. In that crazy Nipponese culture the porn tapes all have this digital blocking of penetration. This handy device helps reduce it.

"Movie almost leddy, gotta right pilot ramp"

Japanese men have all sorts of health issues. Here are some friendly surgeons to help:

The one on the right isn't ashamed of his craft. I assume it to be some sort of dick-fixing, based on the cute cartoon:

I can't figure out which dick is the "After", since they all look "so sorry".

Body hair is a big deal in Japan, apparently. (By the way the mag showed completely unshaven pubes on all the girls - no trimming in Yuko's garden!) I think this ad is selling something to grow hair...lots of hair.

But your shins? I'm surprised they don't have a butt hair ad.

Finally, the ads that really baffled me are these:


Look over this ad really carefully and please, oh please, tell me what it means. The part that got my attention is the graph. Leave it to the Japanese to add science and mathematics to something as sweet and wholesome as pornography. I went to an old math textbook to try and figure out that graph. Let's assume the x-axis is time. That means somebody is getting fucked (I'm assuming its the sweetie on the left) at around 30, 60 and 80 minutes into the video (if, in fact this is an ad for a video). I assume the Japanese text describes some other act of interest. But what about the y-axis, or the abscissa (I told you I found an old textbook)? What exactly is being measured here? If its arousal, I'm a little concerned, because while I buy that it never dips to 0, you'll notice it never gets above like 65%. I assumed it was a percentage, since it ran from 0 to 100. It might also be the actual temperature of the set in degrees farhenheit. The angle of penetration?

So, buy Bejean, scan it, and then e-mail us the pics with a translation.







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