2:1

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus Busch that all the world should be taxed, except for individuals and corporations making more than $150,000 per year, and on dividends, and on any investment/company with a Busch campaign contribution of $1,500 or more.

2:2	(And these tax breaks shall be extended, regardless of the deficit.)

2:3	And all the homeless, and lower-class, and lower-middle-class, and middle-class, and lepers and Democrats went to be taxed, everyone into his own city.

2:4	And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

Hark! I am Archangel Jessica. I have been sent by God with a message for the chosen one. Your virginal womb will be the vessel for His Son. You will be visited by the Holy Spirit, and immaculately penetrated without any guardian protection. Get thee to Bethelhem!

Ha, ha, ha! Hey Ben, do you remember where I put my virginal womb? You must be looking for one of those skinny white chicks over there.	Just a sec, hun, this ewe is about to beget my Esau! Damn, I like lamb.	Baa!

Sorry for bothering you. Hey Ben, buggering a defenseless sheep is a big-time sin. When I get done delivering these messages, how about you take a taste of my rump roast?

2:5	To be taxed with Mary-Kate his espoused wife, being great with child from some mysterious, apparently invisible guy, whom she has no clear memory, assuring Joey that she loves him dearly, if he’d only try harder.

I should have married Uncle Jesse. Joey is such a loser!	God always liked you best! Where's my smack?	If I had married Ashley, I'd be eating this sheep.	Baa!

2:6	And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And lo it was messy. And yo they named the boy Jesus, after Alou, who was not as good as Matty and no where near as good as Felipe.

2:7	And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. At least no room Joseph was willing to pay 5 shekels for, the cheap Jew, what with all the tax-related gouging.

2:8	And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night, pondering their lack of tax cuts, bemoaning the US tariffs, wearing towels o' their heads and trafficking in rocket propelled grenades.

2:9	And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid, because at first they thought it was a US Army Blackhawk helicopter with the wrong coordinates.

2:10	And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people, who look like my depiction: white, middle-aged, male, living in the red states.

2:11	For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord, and it is high time you drop all those other "saviors" and "prophets" you brown-skinned folks seem to enjoy. And don’t get me started on that Zen crap.

2:12	And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe - and I mean a perfect 10 - wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

2:13	And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

We Three Kings of Orient Are!!!
Casper!	Balthazar!	Melchior!

I'm Casper the friendly ghost, the friendliest ghost you know!	I'm gonna get the boys at Halliburton over here to build some motels.	We'll make a fortune.

2:14	Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. Take note women, children, minorities, Democrats, naysayers. We said men!

2:15	And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Thank Allah they left, that was creepy. Now let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

2:16	And they came with haste, and found Mary-Kate, and Joseph, and that Mary-Kate was a babe of the perfect 10, and so was her sister.

2:17	And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child, and they sold keepsakes, and candles, and falafel to those who came.

2:18	And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds, and although cease and desist orders were attempted, the shepherds continued to tell it, and sell it, and get movie rights.

2:19	And didn't your 10th grade english teacher ever tell you not to start a sentence with and.

2:20	But Mary-Kate kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart, while seeking an agent, a lawyer, and a publicist.

2:21	And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them. And lo unto Mary-Kate and Joseph they gave merchandising rights, foreign distribution and a percent of net domestic profit.

2:22	And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS, and he wailed while his foreskin was auctioned on eBay and bought for a princely sum by a Japanese collector.