RetroCrush
Every possible Halloween delight and low in calories!

The Hot MILFs of Network TV

For all the talk of reality shows, TV doesn't show reality for shit. Have you ever taken a look at the "couplings" that make up most of the TV sitcom world? The basic formula is Loser Comic + Young Hot Chick = Concept. It doesn't matter what the comic looks like or what character he's supposed to be, he always gets a hot chick as a wife. I'm not complaining - I'd rather watch a hot chick than a frumpy reality wife any day, just ask my wife. Here are some of the bizarre TV couples and Uncle Melon's take on what the reality spouse might look like.

According to Jim - ABC

Fantasy - Jim Belushi is a contractor somewhere near Chicago. He's a 50 year old, regular guy that wears flannel shirts, drinks beer and is married to Courtney Thorne-Smith who used to live at Melrose Place. She looks pretty good for a housewife with 3 kids.

Reality - Belushi looks like one of the guys I hang out with named Dave only Belushi is older and a little fatter, Dave dates women that look like this:

She's very nice (meaning she's offered me oral) and slightly attractive in a-recently-divorced-low-self-esteem sort of way, but the closest she ever got to living at Melrose Place was watching it every week and dreaming of Billy - while probing herself for vaginal cysts.

George Lopez - ABC

Fantasy - George Lopez is an assembly line worker recently promoted to plant manager at a LA factory. He's a regular guy married to Constance Marie who looks pretty good for a housewife with 3 kids.

Reality - George looks like my neighbor, Jorge, except Jorge has a normal haircut. Jorge's a nice guy, works as an electrician and his wife looks like this:

She's not bad if you ignore the lack of dental work and catch her right after a shave. Who am I kidding? For a real wife, she's real cute. I'd do her in a minute and last about five.

Still Standing - CBS

Fantasy - Mark Addy is a blue-collar, regular guy that lives in Chicago (kind of just like Jim Belushi but with less hair and he may speak with an English accent because he was the fat guy in Full Monty) that is married to Jami Gertz who looks pretty good for a housewife with 3 kids.

Reality - Mark is a big fat mess who's face looks two sizes too small for his head. There's a guy at work who looks a lot like him. I don't know his name because his body odor is too strong for idle chit-chat. I have seen the picture of his wife in his cube, and she sort of looks like this:

Big yabbos and she's carrying beer, but what a gunt!

King of Queens - CBS

Fantasy - Kevin James is blue-collar, regular guy who works as a parcel deliveryman in Queens, and he's married to Leah Remini who doesn't have 3 kids (How did they get that through the network execs?).

Reality - I play softball with a UPS driver named Mike but Mike's not as fat or ugly as Kevin James. Mike looks more like a Baldwin brother. Now Mike has probably been yanking it to Leah Remini since she was guest starring on Facts of Life but he ain't dating nobody that looks as good as Leah's bowel movements. He dates a woman that look like this:

She is very nice and pretty, but her skin's kind of saggy and she has a lot of freckles. You know, like women over 30 are supposed to look. I flirted with her last year at a picnic and then she burned me with the barbeque tongs.

Yes, Dear - CBS

Fantasy - Anthony Clark isn't fat or bald but he's pretty goofy looking. He has some job and is supposed to be a regular guy married to Jean Louisa Kelly who played that hot high school kid that played the clarinet in Mr. Holland's Opus. Mr. Holland didn't bang her even though she wanted him to, which quite frankly ruined the movie for me.

Reality - This guy looks a lot like me when I was that age - so basically he would live alone in a crappy apartment jacking it to online porn. Sweet.

Like Family - WB

Fantasy - Even when the roles are reversed, the MILF ends up with a loser. Holly Robinson Peete (the big female star), is a successful lawyer from suburban New Jersey, who used to be the finest looking cop in the history of TV on 21 Jump Street. She looks pretty good for a working woman with 3 kids (oldest is 16). Holly is married to Kevin Michael Richardson, a self-made man who runs his own landscaping business. An African-American that owns a landscaping business in New Jersey? Obviously these writers have never been to Jersey and never even bothered to watch The Sopranos.

Reality - I don't know anybody that looks like Holly and I don't know anybody that is a successful lawyer but I do know some guys that look like Kevin Michael Richardson and at least one of their wives looks more like this:

She always smells like bacon, has a nice flower garden and is a good mother and wife.

Everybody Loves Raymond - CBS

Fantasy - Ray Romano is a successful sportswriter living on Long Island and is married to Patricia Heaton, who looks just about right for a housewife with 3 kids. I'm not sure what went wrong with this show's casting department but if I was Ray Romano I would get a new agent.

Reality - I know a sportswriter named Paul who is about Ray's age. He divorced his Heaton-ish wife years ago and his girlfriend is actually hotter than Patricia Heaton and looks like this:

She is very nice and pretty. Everybody flirted with her last year at a barbecue and now Paul don't come around anymore.

Bernie Mac - Fox

Fantasy - Bernie Mac is a successful standup comedian raising somebody elses kids with Kellita Smith. They don't have any kids of their own and if I was Bernie, I'd keep it that way. He gets all the hysterically funny children storylines without the associated stretching, wrinkling and loss of hottness.

Reality - Bernie Mac probably gets hot babes like Kellita. If he was a UPS driver from Queens, he'd be white. But if he were a blue-collar black guy from the Midwest, he'd probably be married to someone like this:

I mean she isn't that pretty, but she's blonde and the carpet matches the curtains. Score one for the brother!

Disclaimer

I have never watched one minute of any of these shows and I never will. No watching of these shows was done in preparation for this bit. I went to all the network websites and clicked on shows with titles that sounded like family sitcoms. That's where I got the casts and premises for the shows. I apologize in advance for any errors and suspect that some of these guys may be the fathers of the babes not the husbands. Given the incredible hotness of these MILFs you might wonder why I don't watch the shows with the volume on mute? Duh, because like every red-blooded American, I do my primetime yanking to the babes on the Spanish channels with the volume on mute.