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DRAFT 108TH CONGRESS
1ST SESSION H.R. 1069
To prohibit the use of "French" by U.S. citizens in common everyday language and to prohibit the use of the names of other "so-called allies"
IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
March 14, 2003
Mr. Saxton introduced the following bill; which was referred to the
Committee on International Relations
A BILL
To prohibit the use of "French" by U.S. citizens in common everyday language and to prohibit the use of the names of other "so-called allies."
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,
PROHIBITION - Whereas France, a "so-called ally" refuses to bend to our will, the use of the word "french" will no longer be used when referring to the following items. These alternate names will be used by all members of Congress and all patriotic citizens:
| French Fries | Freedom Fries |
French Toast | Freedom Toast |
French Canadian | Freedom Canadian |
Frenching an intern | Just say, hey Buffy, would you like to passionately kiss with our lips parted and our tongues touching? |
French Doors | Freedom Doors |
French-man | Freedom-man. Sorry, I meant to say frog-lipped, snail-eating pussies that offered up their rumps to Adolph instead of putting up a decent fight. Cowardly, arrogant winos that refuse to sanction a war because they put their own financial interests before ours. Oh, I forgot that they lisp and wear berets. |
French Dressing | Freedom Dressing |
And whereas our other "so-called" allies too numerous to remember also refuse to do exactly as we say despite our threats of economic hardship, and our bribes of humanitarian aide and govenment cheese, the use of the following alternate words will be mandatory for all members of Congress and all patriotic citizens:
| Russian Dressing | Freedom Dressing. Damn we're using that already. How about Victory Dressing or just ketchup and mayo. |
Russian Orthodox Church | Freedom Orthodox Church |
Russian Roulette | Freedom Roulette |
Black Russian | Black Freedom. Whoa, we're not talking civil rights or equal opportunity here. Better change it to Black Victory. Oh shit, I just got the cold sweats and the chicken skin. Better just call it vodka and Kahlua. |
Mexican Food | Freedom Food |
Mexican Hairless | Just call it that cute little "intern" you keep in the shed back home in Austin |
Chile | Hamburger Stew. Damn, can't use hamburger. We'll call it Chopmeat Stew |
Guineas | Have to call them Italians again |
Flemish Masters | Loogie Masters |
Brazil Nuts | Negro Toes |
Whereas that ought to teach those bastards a lesson. Towhit lets pass this here legislation. Hey Frenchie, stop laughing. What are you laughing at, boy? Frenchie! Shit, I mean Freedomie! Ahh shucks, lets go get some stiff ones, they're on me.
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