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RetroCrush
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 Google Image Search Analysis: Best Porn Site Ever?
The first in a series of reviews of the Google image search engine. This is a powerful tool for finding images on the world wide web, and is a great way to get stuff to wank to when you're in a pinch.
Mom - January 2005
Google is all about America - a company started by a couple of kids with know-how and hard work. So to start our analysis of the Google image search engine, we chose the search term "Mom" - what could be more wholesome?
Let's start with Webster's definition so there is no confusion:
mom (mäm) n. [Collq.] mother
Number 1
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| | Whoa! When my Mom got down on her knees in the bathroom she was either giving my little brother a bath or scrubbing the floor. But I'm a Presbyterian. |
Number 2
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| | This may be an actual mom, as suggested by some flabbiness, sagging and those cottage cheese thighs. The hint of tricep suggests experience with hand-jobs, so she may be taking a break on the set of "Shitty Shitty Gang Bang." Too close to call. |
Number 3
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| | The memory of witnessing this threesome eventually killed Joe DiMaggio. |
Number 4
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| Hey, how did a picture of my Dad's Harley get on the internet! And that's Mom! When did she get her navel pierced?
Seriously, did you notice that my Mom has a real Elvis thing going on? You didn't? What were you looking at? Then again, this might be when Mom had the stroke. |
Number 5
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| Uh oh, I think this may be the kind of mom that your Mom warned you about. If you look closely at her left tit (on the right as we view her in this reverse-cowgirl pose which is her favorite) you can see dad's anniversary gift - 24 years is 'ink.'
Ha, ha, ha. It looks like her snake is eating the pepperoni. |
Number 6
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| This is not an advertisement for Club Med. This is a real mom with a bunch of kids that feels the need to put pictures of her family on the web for everyone to see. I hope she told everyone to just type 'mom' into Google to find her.
 Look at her body. Dad must have carried the kids to term seahorse-style.
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Number 7
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| | This is a mom who takes breast-feeding seriously. She's giving 3 square meals to the sextuplets next door, and they're in their teens. |
Number 8
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To be fair, the caption for this image was 'Mom - Look at me!' I'm guessing Dad was more likely to find the picture. I wonder if he's walleyed too. Then again, when they point east and west it makes it easy to suckle a litter. |
Number 9
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| | Oddly enough - this is the most disturbing result with this search term. From an actual child's diorama project entitled 'What Danny Will Do If I Tell Mom He Touched My Bad Place.' |
Number 10
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| | Hallelujah, a real, honest to goodness Mom! Good work, Google. But why is her site called CreampieGrandma.com? |
Conclusions
The Google search engine has once again proven that it is the single greatest source of porn on the web. I was satisfied with my search by Number 4, wiped my keyboard clean and then surfed over to eBay to see if anyone had bid on my mint-condition 'Land of the Giants' lunch box.
Censoring these search results required 2 pancakes, 2 silver dollars, 2 strawberries, 2 pepperoni slices, a hotdog, 2 pickles and a pearl necklace (by the way, never use the Google image search to look for a string of pearls with Grandma).
Supplemental Analysis - Dad
As a highly scientific control to our mom search, we decided to search for images of 'dad' using Google. Not nearly as interesting, as you can see. Now, if you put the terms 'Dad Daughter' into Google - watch out! Apparently Google-West Virginia dominates this particular corner of the web.
| | Nothing but dads. Talk about a small world - the Dad in the turban lives in my neighborhood! He came over and said "Hello, my name is Ragu. I am not a Muslim. I am a Sikh." I turned him in to the cops anyway. If God had intended us to wear towels on our heads he would have put adjustable straps and NASCAR logos on them. |
Note: These searches was completed on January 3, 2005 with SafeSearch off.
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