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First Time Part II: Uncle's Actual Story I was perusing the site, laughing at my own wit and cleverness when I realized that in the First Time Part I (you really have to read it before reading this) I never actually describe my first time. Here goes. I can't really remember who it was, but here are the likely victims. I had a HUGE thing for Linda Ronstadt, and I'm man enough to admit it even though she turned out to be a cow. I considered firing off a boxer-rocket salute to this pic! (Whoops, I actually did, damn I like working on this website. Be in bed in a minute, honey!) I also figured that the bionic woman could handle my massive teenage appetite. I made a freedom of information request at O.S.I. headquarters and got a hold of this previously classifed video. Click on "Access Files" to assess Jaimie's assets What? no bionic peach? That figures, massive injuries, and my luck her peach is miraculously saved. Of course with that bionic ear she'd probably hear me whacking off in the garage, I think I'll pass on ol' Lindsey. Besides, I shudder when I see her on Lifetime now. If you think I'm an old fool, visit The Bionic Woman Poetry Site. I know we made fun of Farah in Melonade, but damn she's hot. I had a little collection of photo's of her hidden under my clock radio. They'd each take turns satisfying my never-ending needs - that is, until my brother tossed them thinking I was gonna make some sort of sick collage for school. Speaking of school, how about showing Farrah the map of Hawaii! Use your mouse to splatter some volcanic emmissions. OK. I used to really dig Adrienne Barbeau and I give her credit as being the first woman to activate the "I love big breasts" gene in me. We were supposed to believe Bea Arthur and Bill Macy spawned these cans? Fuck you, Norman Lear! I'M THE KING OF NEW YORK... I'M THE KING OF NEW YORK! Slug Boy Jay: The Sears Catalog - The Prepubescent Pud Pullers Bible I checked out First Time Part I (you really have to read it before reading this) and I basically shot my load (pun intended), as far as first time is concerned. The color of Ginger's hair looked a little more realistic in black and white However, when I was a prepubescent pud puller there was only one TV in the house. It was in the family room and there was always a family member in front of it. After a particular hot episode of Gilligan (Ginger would have given up the peach for an extra cup of water), I was forced to run off to the privacy of my bedroom or the bathroom to fire one off with the vision of Ginger's pouty lips fresh in my mind. Back then, there were no internet porn sites, no copies of Playboy or Penthouse lying around, no Victoria's Secret Catalog waiting in the mail, but there always was that gateway to affordable middle America values - the Sears Catalog! Nothing like polyester to get the blood flowing! Melon, you take the one on the left, I get the one on the right! "Honey, are you going to the bathroom, again?!" "Yes, Mom. I think I have diarrhea." (I'm gonna go yank it like I never yanked it before) "Why are you bringing the Sears Catalog, sweetie?" "Ahh, I'm gonna circle the toys I want for xmas." (I'm gonna start at junior misses, skip over to maternity - ya know they did it at least once - backtrack to ladies apparel and finish up with nighties, panties and brassieres!) "OK, how long do you think you will be, young man? I have to give your brother a bath!" "I don't know ma, I think I have diarrhea." (How long does it take to mix up a batch of baby batter and deposit it into my brother's bath towel?) Orlon acrylic knits bonded to acetate tricot. This ain't J.Crew! I went through the 70's and early 80's either constipated or with the runs. How else to explain countless hours Trying hard to look like stewardesses! Do you remember stewardesses? spent behind the locked bathroom door. My mom had me on a rotating diet of prunes and chocolate. Ex-Lax and Pepto-Bismol were my apertifs. And here's to you Mrs. Robinson! My special 4½ inch salute! I remember my mom dragging us to Sears on an almost weekly basis, buying dungarees, Keds and "back to school" supplies. When she was busy with my brother, I used to steal away from the Husky Boy Section and head straight to Ladies Apparel. Surely, I would find the aisles crowded with rayon clad beauties! Orlon and acetated sexpots! Zircon encrusted tweezers! (whoops). To my dismay I found only damp, uncomfortable housewife/cows dressed in unforgiving and unGodly colored space-age fabrics. Space-Dyed Knits in Machine-washable Orlon! Remember I'm writing this in character so these pants wearing teens are legally acceptable. Nice, but the Spring/Summer Catalog was always preferable. More skin! No discussion of masturbation and the Sears Catalog (that'll assure some search engine hits) would be complete without mentioning Cheryl Tiegs. Cheryl was the world's first "supermodel" and got her start as a lowly Sears model. No discussion of Cheryl Tiegs and masturbation would be complete without discussing her pivotal role as Sports Illustrated's first naked swimsuit model. "Honey, why should we renew the subscription you NEVER even look at that magazine!" "Awww ma, its only 34 cents an issue, thats 26 cents off the newstand price." (51 weeks of crap, worth every penny for that, oh so, special April issue) Whoa! diarrhea again. I wonder how Arnold Palmer's doing at the Masters? The photo that launched a million splooge rockets! I could have populated a planet with the miracle whip I drained to this single photo! Nips! Houston, we have nips! Sears Catalog Extras Uncle Melon dressed in the Pooh Collection for his 6th grade graduation Slug Boy Jay working his pimp hand on Lil' Mary Jane Rottencrotch and Suzie Creamcheese at the same graduation. Send us your First Time Story. Win a prize! and have your twisted memories turned into a cool multimedia bit on UncleMelon.com! For more Sears Catalog humor and the source for all of the Fall 1971 images visit A Perfect World. Copyright © UncleMelon.com