"I was so scared. I was all alone." - Rodney Dangerfield (or was it Woody Allen?)
Coming of age. Discovering one's self. They make tons of movies about losing one's virginity and someone's first disillusionment, but why not the real initial self awareness? Spanking da monkey.
And I don't mean the first midnight express that left your G.I. Joe short-pants PJ's stained after dreaming of your 6th grade teacher whacking your ass with a ruler. I mean the first time you planned, prepared, and set yourself up for a date to do that one act that makes the world go away. When you closed the shades, made sure your Mom was out, and spent some quality time yanking on yer meat.
Take your choice! Grrr! Was Gilligan the 1st openly gay TV character?
Close your eyes and think back.
Who was it? Ginger from Gilligan's Island? I know we all like Mary Anne now, but back then Ginger was the closest thing we had to a dirty-girl on the tube.
How about Karen Valentine on Room 222? My problem with her is I couldn't get that big-nosed Karl Malden look-alike Michael Constantine out of my head when she was standing there naked.
Whoever she was, wherever your encounter took place, it was the start of an incredible journey that will last you a lifetime.
We all know that if the FBI ever has to use our old bedrooms as a crime scene the place will light up with DNA like the Vegas Strip. I can just see the Crime Scene Unit guy saying "After he killed her…he came all over this place like a fire hose. Shit, its EVERYWHERE!!".
Roll your mouse to see the scene of the crime
So share with us your first time story, and we will with you….
Uncle Melon's First Time:
Being a practical young man I knew that the first thing I needed was a receptacle. Staring at my willy gave me the inspiration for the shape of said-receptacle, and the sock drawer provided an endless supply. My Mom never lost a sock in the dryer, but it was many a "on-sale for 2 dollar a dozen sock from Modells" that wound up at Uncle Melon's school for wayward stockings.
"Come here you dirty Gold Toe, I got some work for ya".
A special Xmas gift from grandma
My date to the Junior Prom
Short term storage between uses? Under the bed, of course. Every-so often I'd dispose of the evidence permanently, but for the most part I used my 50% rayon buddies until stiff. Of course, sometimes they'd disappear of their own accord. At first I thought cum dissolved them somehow, but then I realized my Mom was just finding them and dutifully laundering them, apparently oblivious to their seamy purpose. Foot apparel by day, semen ashtray by night.
Slug Boy Jay's First Time - Beastiality?
Do you guys's remember Clarice, the girl reindeer from Rudolph? Remember how you could tell she was a girl because of that polka-dot bow and those long, mascara-laden, eyelashes... that protected those big, come-hither, brown eyes? And remember how she befriended Rudolph before he was a hero, when he was a loser like us, when none of the other reindeers would even play with him? She actually thought he was cute and sang him a song!
(BTW, Remember that asshole flying coach, I think he had a gay name like Donna, the first of a long list of asshole coaches and gym teachers in my life).
Clarice was my first.
I think I was too young to actually complete the deed (my yambags were just taking up space - did they even qualify as yambags back then?, they were more like grape nuts) but I definitely got wood.
I am relieved to say that she was my first and only animal puppet.
The first woman to start a tingling in my loins was Julia. Again, I think I was too young to actually complete the deed. Julia was played by Diahn Carroll (check out the spelling). She was a gorgeous african-american nurse back when nurses didn't wear those shapeless scrubs. Julia always wore a SHORT, white, mini-skirted nurse's uniform - and one of those cute hats. She also was a widow (husband killed over in NAM). So you knew she was lonely, just the kind of babe a 10-year old had a chance with. Images of Julia in cyberspace are hard to come by. Note that the Detroit News didn't show leg. These will have to do.
I, of course, spent the rest of my developing years firing off copious amounts of bananna juice to all the standards: I Cream on Jeannie, those Petticoat Junction girls (just think, every glass of water consumed in that town tasted of the nether regions of those 3 skinny-dipping sisters) and my favorite Brady girl.
I did not have a crush on the dog. I had the hots for the tall brunette, Bobbi-- something - Slug Boy Jay
Your Turn
Uncle Melon wants to hear from you! Send us a brief description of your first time and if its entertaining we'll include it in this section. The best stories will win a valuable UncleMelon.com prize!
The ugly one?
Now, if you're thinking about sending in a Marcia Brady story it better be good. She's all about 70's nostalgia hype. Mrs. Brady was my Brady of choice. Slug Boy's too! And it turns out she was a bit of goer, had those long legs wrapped around her TV son Greg more than once. If you believe Greg (and we do), not only did he bang mom and Jan (who once she got contacts and boobies was definitely juice worthy), he also got a hummer from little Cindy. I guess Marcia was saving herself for Dad.
How about Karen Valentine on Room 222? My problem with her is I couldn't get that big-nosed Karl Malden look-alike Michael Constantine out of my head when she was standing there naked.
Remember how you could tell she was a girl because of that polka-dot bow and those long, mascara-laden, eyelashes... that protected those big, come-hither, brown eyes? And remember how she befriended Rudolph before he was a hero, when he was a loser like us, when none of the other reindeers would even play with him? She actually thought he was cute and sang him a song!
Again, I think I was too young to actually complete the deed. Julia was played by Diahn Carroll (check out the spelling). She was a gorgeous african-american nurse back when nurses didn't wear those shapeless scrubs. Julia always wore a SHORT, white, mini-skirted nurse's uniform - and one of those cute hats. 
She also was a widow (husband killed over in NAM). So you knew she was lonely, just the kind of babe a 10-year old had a chance with. Images of Julia in cyberspace are hard to come by. Note that the Detroit News didn't show leg. These will have to do.
