Uncle Melon just got back from Disney World (don't ask) and has a problem. Mother nature and her darned DNA can't make a woman that lives up to the standards created by the horny artists locked up in those Disney Studios. While standing in long lines in the hot sun I expect the type of eye candy ol' Walt used to put up in Cinemascope. Instead...

Ariel
Ahhh, nothing like a sweet, innocent, half-fish, half-gorgeous teen, with C-shells. (For the purposes of this discussion lets assume she's at least 18. She got married in the movie and it didn't look like Arkansas.)

OK, so the woman (I can't bring myself to say "actress") portraying Ariel is attractive but compared to the cartoon version she looks like yesterday's bait! Look at Ariel's body! What red-blooded American male wouldn't want to filet that tuna! Sorry Charley!

Belle
Poor bookish Belle, alone in a spooky mansion with a beast that lisps like that half-a-fag Robbie Benson. Her only friends? A candle and a bunch of other household crap. God she must have wanted to crush that loud-mouth teapot into a whole family of Chips.

Whoa, look at the mug on the human Belle. What rodent did she sleep with to get the job? What rodent did her mom sleep with to get that kid?

Jasmine
Jasmine. In a perpetual tie with Pocahontas for sexiest Disney babe, she's fallen a bit from grace with all the anti-Arab sentiment of late.

Again, I'm sure the human Jasmine is cute when she dresses up as Chip or Dale (whichever was the girl) but she doesn't even look Arabic (OK, that mighta been the point). But look at the cartoon Jasmine! A 12-inch waist, a nice full B-cup, and more curves than the Saudi peninsula. Ya never had a friend like me, baby!

Aurora - Sleeping Beauty
I've never seen the movie Sleeping Beauty (at one point growing up I was a boy). I'm sure the story is very nice and involves her mother being dead and some lesbian-overtones.

I think the human Aurora's been snoozing after filling up with ribs at the Piglet cookout. They needed the leftover material from Jasmines' pants for that dress! The "real" Aurora looks more like a Barbie doll than a Barbie doll.

Cinderella
Ah, Cinderella. Or was it Cinderelly, or Cinderfellah? I always get those confused.

Now this Cinderella is cute in a girl-next-door-to-the-grain-elevator-you-can-slip-some-home-made-roofies-to-kind-of way. The real Cinderella looks more like a Barbie doll than Sleeping Beauty, 'cept she has that collar on. Dirty...

Jane
Jane is hard to talk about 'cause I keep thinking of that woman who did her voice who women think is good-lookin'.

Let's just focus on the necks. The human Jane is cute, but cartoon Jane's neck is so thin you could wrap your thumb and forefinger around it. And for some sick reason, that's HOT!

Pocahontas
I can't bring myself to joke about her. She's hot as flesh and blood or acetate.

Let's face it, she portrays Native Americans about as accurately as F-troop or the Atlanta Braves. Lookit the tom-toms on that squaw!

Minnie and Daisy

Aside...

Everytime we post a bit about cartoons we start to get dozens of hits off of search engines for "popeye porn", "flintstone porn", and "jetson porn." Its only a matter of hours before you guys looking for "ariel porn," "jasmine porn," and "mickey fucking daisey" start arriving...

In the spirit of a pre-emptive strike here is some Disney porn:

Now don't go away thinking I only rub'em out to cartoon poon. The evolutionary engine has progressed since the Golden Age of Animation, and the real thang certainly looks a lot more like Walt's ideal. Let's leave you with Patricia Ford, who is suspected of being the model for Pocahontas' body...