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The New Reality


Let's face it - the world stinks. Terrorism. Wars on terrorism. Pollution. Recession. Intifada. Enchilada. Democrats. Republicans. Independents. I've decided to retreat from the actual reality, and immerse myself in a new reality. Remember "dioramas" (from the Greek expression for 'bunch of shit in a container for foot wear')? These things presented reality as we wanted it, and I've decided to view the world as just a collection of objects pasted into a box. I'm also starting to believe that our world leaders use a similar approach to understand our world.

I've spent hours staring at the following diorama, classically constructed with glue, cotton balls, and tempera paint, by a hardworking young artist high on the fumes, with eyes irritated by cotton fibers and with the early signs of tempera paint poisoning.

There's no way to identify the subject matter, and that's the beauty of the new reality. The blue object in the back? One day it could be George Washington, another a glucose molecule, and another day, Papa Smurf. I'm pretty sure Ronald Reagan actually built this one, since I found the image at his Presidential Library site


I don't know about you, but I've come to realize that looking for natural settings in Nature is asking too much - why should I expect a park with clean water, trees, and happy animals in their so-called natural habitat? I want my cake, cheap gasoline, and high-paying job and I'm willing to accept that I might have to look elsewhere to commune with Nature. I call it, Walden-in-a-pot:

Look at the happy desert merganser, lounging in the sand, awaiting nomads bearing day-old unleavened bread. Some of the great features of these ducks are 1) no crapping, 2) no quacking and 3) when I'm tired of them I just shove them in a drawer


When I want a larger-scale dose of reality I go... no, not outside... to a museum. Museums just love dioramas. Unlike the messy, noisy zoos they compete with museum's hold a reality that is clean, quiet, and that only requires the occasionally dusting. And museum-reality kicks the crap out of actual reality in terms of animal density - when's the last time you went for a hike and saw this many animals in one spot?

"Dayum these woods is crowded! I can't walk at all without steppin' in bear shit!"


Some critics claim these scenes are "contrived", but why not get your dose of nature in 30 seconds rather than spend a lifetime wandering aimlessly in the woods? Diorama's also have the advantage of allowing us to see rare, and even impossible events:

"Shhhh Audrey - according to the plaque that Kodiak bear is wiping the brown bear's ass with an Arctic Hare (not shown)."


Now dioramas are not just limited to Nature. They're really useful to understand historical events and other so-called cultures. Again - they can be so much more interesting than the actual events to catch the viewer's attention and make a lasting impression.

This particular figure has been used in museums throughout the world to depict A) the end of Apartheid in S. Africa, B) the march on Selma, and C) the Ali-Wepner title fight.


Here's a presentation of Native Americans from the Museum of Natural History:
"Me sit funny ever since white man screw me in ass." Personally, I'd have put an Atlanta Braves tomahawk in his hands - butI don't have a Ph.D. in history!


The ultimate reality for me would be a do-it-yourself museum, with dioramas each visitor gets a chance to personalize. Again - the annoying constraints of extinction, cultural sensitivity, and physics can all be ignored so that the visitor can enjoy a truly exciting view of the world

I watch from the comfort of my couch while Britney Spears gives me a special lapdance and a youthful Marty Feldman brings me another cold one. In the background you can see George W. on a velcoraptor finally catching Osama.





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