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How to Bang Just About Any Object In Your House

or Hints from Heloise's Teenage Son

If you're a regular visitor to this site, you are obviously in desperate need of a woman. And between you and me, it ain't gonna happen. The editors at have tested numerous alternatives to a real woman. All, with the exception of one, performed well enough in our tests to satisfy losers like you and me. And to be honest, that wasn't much of a challenge.

Uncle Melon examined twelve inanimate objects for their potential use as sexual partners. The evaluation included ease and pleasure of use, availability, orgasm efficiency and post-ejac clean-up. Each object has been scored on our standard Map of Hawaii Scale. Five maps means that the object was even better than a real girlfriend. One map means it was worse than your wife.

1. Sock

When using a sock, you have to go easy. Cotton is great for absorbing the splatter but can be a little bit rough unless you use copious amounts of fabric softener. Avoid wool at all costs! If you're into foreplay, slip your hand in the sock for a quick sock-puppet chat. Tell her you love her, give her a kiss and then listen to her go on and on about something so meaningless it wouldn't fit on the end of a pin. Only kidding, it's a sock!

Clean up is easy. Just leave it where your mom/wife/girlfriend will pick it up and put it in the laundry.

2 maps

2. Pillow

A pillow is a little different than the other objects in that it has volume and plushness, like the fat women you might actually get to bang. A simple modification with scissors adds the required 'slit.' Orgasm is efficient with considerable contact to your pubic bone for added realism. There is no clean up unless you accidentally use a down pillow and end up tar and feathering your johnson. When the pillow gets too hard and crunchy for sleeping, throw it away and buy a new one.

3 maps

3. Watermelon

When using a melon, remember to keep the fruit at room temperature. If you bang it right out of the refrigerator, a melon can be pretty cold, which is good practice for after you're been married a couple of years. Some guys like to microwave their melon in order to get it at or around 98.6oF.

Clean up is easy and delicious. Slice up the melon into mouth-sized pieces and add ½ cup of sugar, a jigger of rum and lemon juice to taste. Watermelon fruit salad with a very special "secret" ingredient.

Editor's Note: A small watermelon is quite possibly the closest thing to a teen that any of you are liable to ever bang. The smooth skin, pink inside and petite size makes this choice a stand out. By teen, Uncle Melon is using the on-line porn definition, you know, a woman 25 to 35 years of age sporting a wood floor, no hairspray and natural-looking breasts.

4 maps

4. Bath Toy

When I first saw this kid's toy in a neighbor's bathroom I knew I would someday make it mine. It's almost impossible to play with this toy without sticking your dick in it. No lube is necessary and the tri-fold, latex, labia are 33% more satisfying that the human two-lip slit.

When they break, the fluid may burn the skin, but this risk is worth it.

When you have guns like me, you might as well show them off. This bath toy honey looks great on my cut arms. Practicing this now will allow you to perfect your technique so you're ready for that time in the near future when your mom becomes too feeble to put in her own suppositories.

4½ maps

5. Pencil Sharpener

When it comes to sex, we all make youthful mistakes. Remember back in fifth grade when you raised your hand and asked Mrs. Ranoski if you could go to the back of the classroom and sharpen your pencil? And remember that fateful day when you had enough of that sharperer's teasing and decided to give her the good news? And remember how you quietly opened your fly and when no-one was looking stuck it in? And remember waking up in the nurses office with an ice bag and compression bandage on your crotch? Good times! While three of the five panelists could still fit it in, we all passed on this one and took an educated guess. Zero.

No maps

6. Wet/Dry Vac

Any do-it-yourselfer will rave about this little baby. I call mine Genie. The noise of the vaccuum completely covers any sound your lovemaking may elicit, which is great for concealment, but you have to be on your toes for nosey neighbors/kids/wives/dogs. The suction was too strong for some of our panelists, but this was easily remedied by hooking it up to a variable voltage supply. With this princess there is no clean up. Underwriter's Laboratory has rated this model safe for splooge AND urine, if properly grounded.

3 maps

7. Party Supplies

While doing research for this bit, I came across these two funbags. They were coy when first approached but a little vegetable oil and duct tape loosened them up fine. The resistance was so-so, the feel was good, but the sounds were annoying. Two panel members managed to synchronize their own pops with those of the balloons for added excitement -- but this made clean-up difficult.

2 maps

8. Various Bottles and Containers

These are old standby's if the diameter of the opening is right, which isn't often. Remember to clean the bottle thoroughly! One of our testers is now nicknamed "Whitey" after riding this jug of chlorox to heaven. The feel is rigid,the level of realism low, but clean up is left to the recycling man.

1½ maps

9. Paper Towel Roll

Every red-blooded American boy remembers the first time he looked at the cardboard tube inside a roll of paper towels and said "To hell with a craft project, I can fuck that!" While the diameter usually leads to a snug fit and the texture is rough, the stroke back memory lane is worth the trip. Clean up is easy unless you aim right down the middle and "bazooka" onto the cat.

1 map

10. Britney Spears

Everyone on the panel was looking forward to trying out Britney. I know you guys are thinking, "Britney's not an inanimate object!" Well then, you obviously haven't slept with her. It wasn't long before I was getting a hankering for melon. If you do manage to take Britney home, don't get too discouraged, it's not a lost cause. Just make sure she brings her make-up artist, choreographer and body double, oh, and have Christina Aguilera dub in the dirty talk and fake orgasm.

2 maps

11. Automobile Gas Tank

We performed a special Uncle Melon "road test" on a cute little Asian number we found in the parking lot. See the box below for more details.

2½ maps

12. Hand

Old reliable. It ain't inanimate but you need something to compare all this stuff to and we know most of you have never had a real woman. You've broken it in well. It's soft where it needs to be soft and its hard where all those callouses have developed. Isn't it time you took it out for old times sake and rubbed a little neatsfoot oil into it?

4 maps

Uncle Melon Road Test
Mitsy seems to have some junk in her trunk - and the car's got some junk in its trunk too.

Case Study: Mitsy's Road Test
We "road" tested a cute little Asian number in Uncle Melon's parking lot. We even made a game of it. Roger from accounting plied her "button" to see if she'd open up for our exam.

She responded just like the tease the Mazda engineers envisioned.

She took three fingers to loosen up, but soon we were home free.

A few of us mounted the test. The coolness caused by evaporation of residual gasoline was a turn-on to several of the panel members. Bill, who had an abrasion on his shaft from a previous encounter with a toliet paper roll, found the sensation undesirable.

Road tests showed no significant effect on gas milage but your results may vary.

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