Those literate, mainstream guys over at CarTalk have lists for straight men and women, gays and lesbians, but not for the fastest growing segment of the population. That's right! Men whose man junk is on the junk heap, thanks to some no-good complaining bitch. What's that honey? No, just working on Uncle Melon. Sure, I'll get those dishes right away!

So here's the list:

10. Honda Civic

Her: "It's so practical! And it gets great mileage. Him: "Kill me now, Lord, we're still at number 10"

The Civic at a Car Show, no need for a hot chick in a bathing suit.

9. Ford Taurus

Another Taurus broken down in the middle of nowhere. At least it didn't blow-up like my old Ford Pinto.

Her: "It's got more room than the Civic, yet its practical and gets good mileage." Him: "That saleswoman was kinda cute."

8. Mercury Sable

Because the name Taurus is too masculine. A sable is one of those coats she knows you'll never buy her.

Shit, it looks just like her "friend" that she keeps in her underwear drawer.

7. Volvo Wagon

Oh well, at least swedish vulvas are hot.

Her: "It's the safest." Him: "Yes, Dear."

6. Volkswagon Cabriolet

Cuz' "Cabriolet" is French for "Eunuch" or is it German for "castrated"?

A convertible? I don't think so, does it come in a wagon?

5. Toyota Camry

Consuela the maid drove away in a huff. She'd never be able to afford the 2001 Camry if her gringo bosses didn't give her a raise.

Nothing more emasculating than driving the car your Mom drives.

4. Any Imported Pickup

Because everyone knows you wanted the big-ass American truck.

If the lawn was full of crabgrass and the house was a piece of shit, that could be your out-of-focus family

3. Ford Explorer

Another Explorer broken down in the middle of nowhere. At least it didn't blow-up like my old Ford Pinto.

Her: "It's this or a minivan." Him: "God help me." (I can make believe I'm off-roading it when I go over the speed bumps in the mall parking lot)

2. Honda Odyssey

At least it isn't a Dodge Caravan. And it is the biggest in its class. That counts for something. Right?

I like my cars like I like my women. Big, gray, slow, and built like a refrigerator box.

1. Dodge Caravan

Fire engine red is to minivan as Victoria's Secret teddy is to your wife. Now you know why I done so good on my SAT.

If you take out the rear seat, the coffin containing your testicles just fits. Or you can use the roof rack.