Valentines for Him
From the Vermont BJ Company

Hot women get really turned on by funny guys. Especially if they're smart, hot women like this one.

Being funny is cool. Owning a funny website is even cooler. Here's how we make funny websites at UncleMelon.com in less than 30 minutes.

First come up with an idea. It should be funny but doesn't have to be real funny. Just remember, less funny, more babes. All those damn Vermont Teddy Bear commercials on the radio were driving me crazy so I went to their site to buy one for my honey. That's when I saw the link to Teddy Bears for Him. Teddy Bears for Him? No hims want a teddy bear. Even the gay guys I know don't want teddy bears. Teddy bears are for kids and chicks. An idea. What could Vermont send to a him that he would always want regardless of sexual preference? Blow jobs!

Shiver my timbers that is a tough choice. Blow me, down.

Ok, it's an idea. Not a great idea so we'll have to fill the site full of babes. Now comes the words. Not too many and no big ones because most people are pretty stupid. Writing is how most words happen but writing is hard. You have to remember grammer and punctuation, and typing all those words takes time. I haven't written more than a memo in 10 years, and now with e-mail, i don't even have to capitalize stuff.

Want to write a funny website? Here's how: Just steal the words from another site and change a couple. Look for a word that their high-priced writers used a lot and replace it with a funny word. If the word is funny and related to sex that's even better. Search engines are a webmaster's best friends. If their site uses a word like "quality merchandise", replace quality with lickable. Nouns make it really easy. Instead of "We Sell American Flags," replace flags with vaginas, or vagina or however its pluralized. You're guaranteed hits. Below is an example where all we did was replace the term "teddy bear" with "blow job."

Soften him up with a Bear Blow Job!
Even if that special guy seems tough on the outside, he'll be a softie on the inside when you send him a Vermont Teddy Bear Blow Job this Valentine’s Day. Our Bears Blow Jobs make fun, creative gifts for men. If not for Valentine’s Day, then for an anniversary, Father's Day, Dad's birthday, or any other occasion - you won't believe the reaction you'll get!

Ha, ha, ha or perhaps lol. That was easy but what about graphics... and babes. Babes cost money and graphics require weeks of training with expensive software. Stop whining. In a word, Google. Google Image Search is the greatest invention since on-line porn. Computer graphics are for computer nerds, all you need is yellow sticky pads, some scotch tape and a crayon or magic marker. Don't forget to write your website's name on every image you steal.

The following funny bit took all of 15 minutes. By Tuesday it'll get about a million hits resulting in additional fame, fortune and female groupies.

Soften him up with a BJ!

Even if that special guy seems tough on the outside, he'll be a softie on the inside when you send him a Vermont Blow Job this Valentine’s Day. Our Blow Jobs make fun, creative gifts for men. If not for Valentine’s Day, then for an anniversary, Father's Day, Dad's birthday, or any other occasion - you won't believe the reaction you'll get!

Nurse BJ	Supergirl BJ	Snow White BJ
A perennial favorite - when hubby or Dad needs some TLC, or maybe just needs to donate some DNA.	Also available in Wonder Woman, Bat Girl, and Charlize Theron!	Is he a big Disney fan? Here's a bed time story with a really happy ending.

Witch BJ	Rocky BJ	Nun BJ
This sorceress prefers riding grooms to brooms. Bewitch him with this Vermont BJ's dark magic.	Yo Adrian, howabouts a hummer? The Queensbury rules don't explain how to give a handy with those gloves, so any additional service is strictly negotiated between you and the independent contractor hired by Vermont BJ to make the delivery.	Is your husband or father a devout man? A pillar of the church? Nothing will make his day like one mother of a superior BJ for that pillar, courtesy of Vermont BJ's Sister Lovelace package.

Police BJ	Dorothy BJ	Playboy BJ
Pull over Mister, Vermont BJ has a warrant for your satisfaction. Once Officer McFluff whips out the baton your man's in for the arrest of his life.	There's no place like home, but sometimes a BJ from a young girl from Kansas is more exciting. Let Vermont BJ's Dorothy give your son, brother, husband or Dad a ride down the yellow-brick road. She guarantees Toto-satisfaction!	Is Grandad jealous of Hef? What does Hef have that he doesn't? A nubile young Vermont BJ!

Gladiator BJ	Priest BJ	Elvis BJ
Does your man stare a little bit too long at Russel Crowe? Why not help quench that thirst for manly adventure with Vermont BJ's Spurt-acus package?	Bring back fond memories of his Catholic upbringing with Vermont BJ's Father Phil McCracken. This Vermont BJ will make his heart pound and his rectum clench.	A BJ from the King! The man in your life just has to slather his banana with peanut butter and our Elvis will love him tender and deep. You can see that the Vermont BJ Elvis is eager to please.

Damn! That's funny. Bet you didn't expect to see Will Smith. I shot my martini right through my nose and all over my 21-inch flat screen monitor. Now you can be as funny as your Uncle Melon. Try it!

Disclaimer: Don't annoy sites that will try to sue you. While they really can't take anything from you (since you probably don't own shit) letters from lawyers are scary and remind us of restraining orders.