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Best of 2003Uncle Melon
He's so funny he makes the babes horny. He owns the biggest humor site in the world. He just signed a five movie development deal with Dreamworks. And now Uncle Melon is going to rank the top ten babes he banged in 2003.
Mixam, January 2004
Number 10: Jennifer LopezWhy She's a Babe:
The butt that launched a million one-liners and two million pocket rockets
Favorite Position:
She likes it on a bed of 100-dollar bills with a diamond-studded anal plug. And that's just before breakfast.
Nickname for her Cootch:
Oddly enough she refers to it as Selena
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
As easy as the Taco Bell Drive-Through and just as spicy
Amusing Anecdote: Award shows are great places to pick up hot babes. Back in 1996, I was presenting an award at the "New Urban Film Festival." A young actress named Jennifer Lopez was nominated for the "Hottest New Latina in an Action Movie" for her sensitve portrayal of a hot latina in Money Train. Later that night, in a limo rented by Universal Pictures, Jennifer won my vote for best supporting actress when she held her own with Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson and yours truly. I must have made a lasting impression because during the three days her engagement was off last year I got a call from J-Lo.
Number 9: Madonna and Britney Spears (sort of)Why They Are Babes:
One slut on the way up, one on the way down. That's heaven!
Favorite Position:
69 with Madonna on top because of her osteoporosis and Ms. Spears' fluctuating weight
Nickname for her Cootch:
The Lincoln and Holland tunnels, based on size, traffic and drive time
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
Oops, I've gonarrhea again
Amusing Anecdote: So, I'm backstage at the American Music Awards sharing a doobie with Madonna in her dressing room. Now, I'm no big fan of Madonna and quite frankly under normal circumstances I wouldn't touch her with a 10-inch dick. But I had some great grass and I needed to get the edge off before my appearance, and they don't give private dressing rooms to the guy that's handing out the award to Best Bluegrass Instrumental.
So, Madonna tells me that her publicist has come up with this french-kissing Britney Spears stunt and we're dissing Britney's squeaky clean image and general lack of talent when I come up with a great idea. How about instead of slipping Britney the tongue, Madonna gives Britney a snowball and maybe her first taste of some real mule juice? Madonna is totally up for it so just before she's supposed to go up on stage she goes down on me. I had a little trouble delivering the goods cause like, Madonna's old. I made her hum "Like a Virgin" and I closed my eyes and imagined her back in the good old days, writhing on the floor covered in lace and hairspray. You'll notice Britney gag for a bit during the kiss and then swallow slow. I think her hair looks a lot shinier with all that protein.
The rest is history. Not really a "bang" but where else am I gonna get to tell this story?
Number 8: Shannon Elizabeth
Why She's a Babe:
Young, hot, and gettin' naked in movies you can bring a date to.
Favorite Position:
With her Arab background she calls doing a Jew, "Peace in the Middle East"
Nickname for her Cootch:
She grew up in Waco, so she calls it the "Branch Dividian Compound". I went with the theme and wore a flak jacket when we did it.
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
"Pie a la Mode" -there was some juicy drippings but she said it wasn't infectious
Amusing Anecdote: After dozens of offers I finally gave in and did one of those celebrity reality TV shows. Its called Celebrity Poker but it should really be called "A Bunch of Guys that Look Kinda Familiar Poker." Who are these people? I got lucky. I mean I drew to an inside, ace high, straight flush. I got to sit next to Shannon Elizabeth, the smoking babe that got naked in those American Pie movies.
Now I don't like to brag but I'm pretty good at poker. I have a regular weekly game over at the Friar's Club. I'm winning some hands early, shootin' the shit, and enjoying myself. Everyone else seems scared shitless, maybe afraid of looking the fool. Poor Shannon is shaking. During a break I whisper some encouraging words - totally innocent stuff - I'm feeling sorry for her. Well during the next hand, someone's hand shows up in my lap. I look down and its the beautiful left hand of Shannon Elizabeth, big engagement ring and all. She's decided to play Texas Hold 'Em with my One-Eyed Jack. Suddenly, I'm folding when I should be holding and I'm calling when I should be raising. When I start counting my money while I'm sitting at the table, I know I'm done. The only question is how am I gonna walk over to the Loser's Lounge with a tent in my pants.
Shannon ended up being the next one out and we just blew off the show and went back to my room.
Number 7: Hillary Rodman ClintonWhy She's a Babe:
She's not. I'm just elucidating a point.
Favorite Position:
First female U.S. President
Nickname for her Cootch:
Medium Grit (180)
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
A barren place where my seed could find no prosper.
Amusing Anecdote: By all accounts, Bill Clinton is a smart dude; Rhodes scholar, Yale Law School, President of the U.S. of A. But when it comes to women, I can Mensa his ass. When you're high profile like us, the key is to bang a broad that ain't gonna start talking about it the second your jism reaches room temperature. I knew that when my dick was done with Hillary's lips, they wouldn't start flapping about how I banged her in some banquet hall in Schenectady, NY. Notice that none of the celebrities in this article have been braggin about me? That's how I get to write this every year - and at 35 cents a word, it ain't a bad gig.
Number 6: Linda CardelliniWhy She's a Babe:
I can watch ER with the old lady and imagine bangin' Linda during the 'sad' parts
Favorite Position:
On the steps of St. Peter's, if you know what I mean
Nickname for her Cootch:
Rome, because all roads lead to it
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
It was all fun and games until I imagined her with a mustache - you know, like in 5 years
Amusing Anecdote: Last season my agent gets me a part on ER. I was wearing a lot of make-up but you 'll probably remember me. I was Head Wound Victim 2. In my big scene I got to moan while Bob Newhart bitched about something. Now I don't watch the show because I have the attention span of George W. but one of the nurses is really hot. At lunch I chat her up and it turns out she's Linda Cardellini, the actress that was Velma Dinkley in the Scooby Doo movie! I told her that I really thought she captured the true Velma. It was like watching the cartoon. Who new that she was a hot babe?
Later on in her trailer she was moaning louder than Bob Newhart with a head wound until I asked her to call me Scooby and say "Jinkies that's one big Scooby Snack." It pissed her off but then I got back in her good graces by a agreeing to help her find her glasses.
Number 5: Catherine Zeta-JonesWhy She's a Babe:
Two-last names, two gorgeous breasts, and two eager inputs below the waistline
Favorite Position:
Anywhere the old fart she married isn't
Nickname for her Cootch:
Her T-mobile wireless entry system
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
A good hard drilling - and only 10 cents a minute!
Amusing Anecdote: Porking a pregnant babe is always fun - the big sensitive nips, the crazy, mood-altering hormones coursing through her veins and the pressure from the baby adding that certain "Jenna say qua." When the pregnant babe is Catherine Zeta-Jones, it's time for a double dose of Viagra. I think Michael Douglas must have knocked her up with a turkey baster cause that girl was way overdue for a good stuffing. She wanted me to go down on her but I reminded her of the warning in Chapter 3 of What to Expect When You're Expecting, "Oral sex should be avoided in the third trimester because it can result in death." Now, I know killing a babe with my tongue would be good for my reputation but I want another shot at this one after her personal trainer gets her back into fighting shape.
Number 4: Jessica AlbaWhy She's a Babe:
Have you looked at the picture?
Favorite Position:
It was either the "Lotus" or with a guy named Otis
Nickname for her Cootch:
Dark Angel
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
To be completed next year, I hope.
Amusing Anecdote: Back in March, the buzz at my gym was that Jessica Alba was a regular at the 1 PM yoga class. So the next day I set my alarm so I could get up early, put on my cleanest pair of socks and find that Puntamayo blanket my ex left behind. I had to shove an old yenta out of the way but I managed to snag a spot right next to Ms. Alba. I spent the next hour with my nose inches away from Jessica's sweet little honey pot. Have you ever done yoga with a raging hard-on? It rocks!
Number 3: Courtney CoxWhy She's a Babe:
She has more than one cock in her NAME, fer Christ's sake
Favorite Position:
On the floor with Friends
Nickname for her Cootch:
A dark place to dance
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
She claimed she learned hand jobs from Michael J. Fox - before he got Parkinson's
Amusing Anecdote: In the early 80's, when I was a struggling stand-up/actor, I shared a a 5th floor walk-up in the East Village with another struggling actor, Brad Pitt. Rent was $15 a month, the eight apartments on our floor shared a bathroom, when we had a "friend" spend the night, we got to sleep on the mattress that wasn't in the kitchen. You've heard these struggling actor stories before so I won't bore you. I had a pretty good day job but every month Brad had to go up to Grand Central Station and a blow a couple of guys to come up with his share of the rent.
That's how I ended up at a party at Jenn and Brad's house in the Hamptons last summer and why Brad put in a few good words with Courtney about his old roomie. Later in the hot tub, I put a few good moves on Ms. Cox with my special friend.
Number 2: Sarah SilvermanWhy She's a Babe:
Based on her taste in men we can almost imagine having a chance
Favorite Position:
Standing up
Nickname for her Cootch:
The Rueben (the sandwich, not the American Idol)
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
She yanked my crank then walked out when my late-night show bombed
Amusing Anecdote: I've got this weekly poker game over at the Friar's Club with a couple of regulars and whoever's in town. One night I'm playing with Alan King, Jeffrey Ross, Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman and we just got totally wasted. Sarah is all over me but she's Jimmy's main squeeze so it's really awkward. Finally I give Jimmy a look and he gives me a "go ahead" nod. Now Sarah is super cute and her bedroom exploits are legendary so I literally pick her up and carry her to a cab.
It was one of those nights that went on forever. Everytime I felt the Big O getting close I just thought of Jimmy Kimmel naked and I was good for another 20 minutes. Sarah is the kind of girl you marry. She's an animal in bed, she has a great sense of humor and when you bring her home to your mom? It's the good china, the chocolate-covered halvah and "So, how come such a nice girl isn't married?" A little later she's got your Matzoh balls in her grip so you don't slather the bitter herbs* too soon.
Number 1: Nicole KidmanWhy She's a Babe:
Dumped, young, drunk = sexy!
Favorite Position:
Any position - as long as the man is taller than 4 feet
Nickname for her Cootch:
The Tasmanian C
One Liner that Sums Up the Bang:
You know she's cumming when New South Wales
Amusing Anecdote: Backstage at last year's Golden Globes Award show I was talking to some nameless studio executive when Nicole Kidman walked in. Every eye in the room was drawn to her in that beautiful lavender dress with the peek-a-boo hemline and the sexy black heels. Black shoes! Nicole, always a fashion adventurer, dared to wear shoes that were not dyed to match her dress. She also dared to walk up to me and ask if there was a part in my movie for her. We lost the suit and had a great conversation full of laughter, sexual inuendo and touching. Later in the evening when Nicole was announced as the winner of the Best Actress Award, the camera panned to her assigned seat and she was AWOL. She was with me in a stall in the men's room polishing my "Oscar." She had to tell everyone she was taking a pee! Later on we had a good laugh while I gave her globes a golden shower.
* For my gentile friends, "bitter herbs" is what Jews call horseradish. I believe it was Rabbi Jose, the Gallilean, that first used the term bitter herbs as a euphorism for spunk.
| The Year in Review | Uncle Melon |
|
10. Bend-Lo Over 9. Madonna-wannabe-Britney 8. Bangin' Shannon 7. Man-rod into Rodham 6. Slathered Sauce on a Cardinelli 5. Hid Some Bones with Zeta-Jones 4. I'll be in Alba 3. Cox in Fox 2. Paving Silverman 1. No-kid, man (I wore a rubber) | |
Hey, it was a pretty good year! Here's a review of my sexual exploits in 2002. See you next year!