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Randi Grinder, stripper, cable access television show host and author, sat down with Uncle Melon at her recent book signing party. Ms. Grinder began her show business career as a burlesque performer with the likes of Milton Berle, Abbott and Costello and George Burns.
Dwight David Eisenhower 1st President of the United States*
  
UM: Did you like IKE?
Randi: Sure he was my first! I was only 18.
UM: He was really your first?
Randi: Not my first first, my first president. I probably had banged a couple of hundred by then, not counting schmoolies.
UM: What were your impressions of the President?
Randi: A Kansas boy. You know Kansas boys, nothing too fancy. Flat on your back for 2 minutes and a "thank you Ma'am."
John Fitzgerald Kennedy 2nd President of the United States*
 
UM: So, you were one of the many lovers in Camelot?
Randi: I hesitate to say lover, but I held a special place, I like to think.
UM: What do you mean?
Randi: Johnny had a big appetite and he was a looker, by that point I was already past my prime, so I was on staff to "prepare" him for his dates.
UM: Come again?
Randi: Oh he did! [hoarse laughter] I was his, how did he say it? His "flah-fer." The Secret Service would call me in before his dates and I'd ready the Commander-in-Chief for his Presidential duties.
UM: So you "briefed" him before meeting Heads of State, so to speak?
Randi: Sometimes I'd hang out in the stairwell of a hotel to prep him. A few times I was put under his desk. I'd sneak out that little door you see John Jr. coming out of in that famous picture. They airbrushed a pair of my garters he'd gotten into, did you know that?
UM: No. So you never actually had sex with JFK?
Randi: Didn't say that mister. I knew I'd get him when I said he could "Pahk his schlahng in mah ah-rse."
Lyndon Baines Johnson 3rd President of the United States*
 
UM: Must have been tough, what with the succession and all, moving on to Lyndon Johnson?
Randi: Hell no! I swear they didn't name him "Johnson" for nothing, and he kept me busy, what with "Lady Bird-dog" clamping the playground gate shut.
UM: So LBJ was a good lover?
Randi: Yeah, 'cept he had this habit of picking me up by the ears during hummers, hurt like Hell. Damn he was horny - I can remember having a face-full of those stitches from his gall bladder operation.
Richard Milhouse Nixon 4th President of the United States*
 
 UM: You slept with Richard Nixon?
Randi: I sure did. And I voted for him twice. Best president we ever had but a lousy lay. And perverted! The things I had to do to that stupid dog Checkers.
UM: So, no Tricky Dick, 'cept for the dog stuff?
Randi: I think he was so happy not to be banging that dried up old hag Pat he pretty much shot his load when he saw my name on his date book. Still, there was a lot of howling, still have those tapes. Ooops!
Gerald R. Ford 5th President of the United States* and Joe Garigiola Baseball player and broadcaster
 
UM: What was Gerald Ford like?
Randi: A nice, clean Episcopalian. Although when you think about it, have you ever slept with an Episcopalian that wasn't clean?
UM: I'm not sure I've ever slept with an Episcopalian.
Randi: Jerry had nice soft hands. Maybe from his football days. And remember how he used to fall down all the time? In bed he was like Rudolph Nureyev. And I know because I slept with that guy too.
UM: So President Ford was a nice experience.
Randi: Oh yes, I always brought him a pint of Baskin and Robbins Butter Pecan. It was his favorite and his wife wouldn't let him have it. You know, concerned about his health. Of course Joe Garigiola was no picnic.
UM: What?
Randi: After I serviced the President, I had to bang Joe Garigiola. Jerry never told me to do it. He just asked really nice.
Jimmy Carter 6th President of the United States*
 
UM: Did you switch Parties when the folks from Plains showed up? Or were you pretty much a fixture?
Randi: I can remember being called into Jimmy's office just after the inaugural. I figured I was gonna be giving 20 dollar BJ's down in Miami Beach, but Jimmy was real nice. He let me show him my resume so to speak, and I got to keep my positions, even add a few [winks, or maybe a twitch].
UM: He said he "lusted in his heart". You're saying it was more than that?
Randi: I never felt no heart, and he had more than a peanut, y'know? Man, when those Iranians took those hostages Jimmy was so down. I pretty much was glued to his fly for a year.
Ronald Wilson Reagan 7th President of the United States*
 
UM: OK. Ronald Reagan, family values, the Moral Majority, even older than you. Surely you didn't get involved then?
Randi: By that point, I'm not sure what he understood. All I know is I spent more than my share of time doing DP's with him and Bush. I can remember Bush once mentioned something about JFK, kinda pissed me off. I said "Pardon me Mr. Vice President, but I've had JFK in my ass, and you're no JFK." I certainly regretted that line! [See below]
UM: So, the President and the Vice-President?
Randi: Sure, by that time I was rooming up in Camp David. Sometimes I'd do the whole damn Cabinet. My God! Cap Weinberger was a sweetie.
George Bush 8th President of the United States*
UM: So I guess Bush was a natural?
Randi: Quite unnatural, actually. He never forgot that line I laid on him. Ol' Georgie wanted nothing but the Hershey Highway. Thank God he didn't get re-elected or I'd have no control over my rectum at all. Not that my control is all that great, mind you.
UM: I hadn't noticed.
Randi: Whew. [Exaggerated back-of-the-hand to her forehead.] That's when the Camp David parties had to stop too.
UM: Barbara found out?
Randi: No. Dick Cheney's first heart attack.
William Jefferson Clinton 9th President of the United States*
UM: Weren't you ready to retire by the time Clinton took office?
Randi: Sure, but I figured I'd see if he needed me at Camp David. You know, the way JFK did I figured.
UM: Did you and Bill, ever, well, what was your role?
Randi: Oh, Bill was a sweetie. We'd cuddle, he called me "Momma" and bemoan his day. It was pretty much straight sex with the rare half-and-half. And I always did my laundry, if you know what I mean.
UM: Uh, I think so but I'd rather you didn't elaborate.
Randi: It only really got weird when he suggested bringing that chubby Jewish girl along one time. I knew my limit - that damn osteoporosis was kicking in and I figured one bad thrust from Monica would pretty much bust up my spine. Thank God I passed that information over to Linda Tripp. Now that bitch could munch some carpet!
George Walker Bush 10th President of the United States*
UM: So, you retired when Clinton left?
Randi: Uh, no. I figured I'd see what happened when Lil' Abner came to town. I kinda figured Dick Cheney would put in a good word, but...
UM: They let you go?
Randi: Uh, no. Seems George Sr. had a long talk about me with Dubya, and sure enough he shows up with a grin and enough Anal-Eze to grease the Washington Monument. That's when I knew I had to get out. I mean, I've socked some money away but not enough for surgery, ya know? These damn diapers are bad enough.
UM: I can't thank you enough for your time and honesty Randi. It's been a unique insight into history, I must say.
Randi: You know. You're not so bad yourself. Kinda remind me of LBJ after a bender. I'd be more than willing to give you the "White House Tour."
UM: Will I get the "George Bush Inaugural Ball"? You know?
Randi: If you don't mind my 'roids slapping you in the thighs.
UM: Wow, look at the time. I've got to go!
* That Randi Grinder banged.
Randi Gardner is portrayed by the always repulsive Sandy Kane, courtesy of the Opie and Anthony Show.
 
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